Saruman Endorses McCain
John McCain garnered another key endorsement from the Republican party establishment today: that of Isengard overlord Saruman the White.
"It's clear to all that McCain is in touch with the needs of everyday orc voters." said Saruman during the announcement. "To vanquish, raze, and consume the flesh of our adversaries -- these are bread-and-butter issues to the core of his Isengard supporters."
"Against the power of McCain, there can be no victory."
"The great orcs, forged in the blasted earth in mockery of elves, the endless host of the Uruk-Hai who gravitated towards McCain after Tom Tancredo withdrew, roared their approval at this remark, and the body of the sound shook down the needles of the Fanghorn, the dark forest," reported MSNBC's Chris Mathews.
Afterwards, McCain addressed crowd gathered at the foot of Orthanc. "I gotta give you some straight talk, my friends. It's a tough war we're in. It's not gonna be over right away," McCain said, as several Orcs, beholden to the frenzy of McCain and fueled on the notorious orc-liquor, devoured their comrades. "There's gonna be other wars. I'm sorry to tell you, there's gonna be other wars. We will never surrender, but there will be other wars." At this Saruman gave McCain a look of almost paternal approval.
Pundits and historians alike have puzzled over McCain's comeback from also-ran status, to mount one of the greatest comebacks in U.S. electoral history. Some observers cite rumors that McCain had acquired the fabled "Ring of Power" in autumn of 2007, and that once-princely adversaries, such as former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani, have been turned from powerful opponents into mere supplicants. Nor are Democrats immune: Joseph Lieberman appears frequently at his side, but as a mere memory of a man, who does not cast a shadow, and whose name is not spoken by those who dwell in sunlight, whose very body will pass through another man as if only a cold wind had chilled his heart.
Other seemingly potent opponents have met mysterious fates. Former Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson, once viewed as heir to Reagan's legacy, fell into a zombie-like torpor before the Iowa caucuses in early January. (He is now missing, presumed torn into bloody hunks and consumed by wargs.) McCain campaign insiders scoff at suggestions that their candidate possesses newfound abilities to twist men's minds to madness, noting that Texas Congressman Ron Paul is still in the race, and making compelling pleas regarding this election's most important issues: the U.S. Civil War, the Gold Standard, and corruption in the McKinley administration. McCain's critics note that in 2007, Ron Paul was described "America's Most Sensible, Get-along With Everyone Politician" by Newsweek.
Analysts specializing in electoral politics and ring-lore note that McCain is eerily spry for being 124, and that on careful inspection of videotaped debates, appears to disappear completely from one location and then to appear suddenly at another, often to Mitt Romney's right. Romney himself has been the subject of rumors regarding a minor ring of power, the ring which breaks the bond between Words and Reality.
As for John McCain, the endorsement of both Isengard and Gov. Schwarzenegger is not without risks. It has created enemies as well as friends.
"Hroomm-harum," commented the ent of Ash, "you shall see the trees march as men, and the great forest drill as an army, as we march to Isengard, there to tear down Saruman, and The McCain, who has become hated of trees."
Some former allies of the Isengard overlord were equally unimpressed. "When did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?" said Gandalf the Grey (D-Shire) of Saruman's endorsement of McCain, in a terse press release issued this morning.
Despite the fates of his former opponents, there are still leaders who are not cowed by McCain's powers. "The host of Gondor shall arise, and so shall the Roharrim, and one America shall arise, and we shall join together as one America, standing for hope, and as in the jewel on my brow is the last light of the Two Trees of Valinor, and as my brother is truly the heir of the Numenoreans, Elessar, we shall vanquish this great evil," said Senator Barack Obama (D-Illinois), in a campaign stop at a Winchell's in Stockton, California.
In the Clinton camp, the disappointment was palpable - the campaign is reported to have been in contact with Isengard for weeks negotiating Saruman's endorsement.
"In the place of a Dark Lord you would have a Queen! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair!," said Hillary Clinton, and after a long, silent pause before the stunned press corps, she lowered her arms and boarded the flight for Newark.
(The First Sea Lord and the Laird of Madrona provide electoral coverage for Isengard.gov.)