NEAR FUTURE HEADLINES

'NEW' FLU SUFFERERS SUFFER 'FLU-LIKE' SYMPTOMS

"HOT" WOMAN'S "POLITE" REFUSAL INSUFFICIENT TO DISSUADE MASTURBATORY EPISODE

GENES DRIFT FROM CORNFIELD TO RANCH- ALL-BEEF POPCORN PRONOUNCED TASTY

AMERICAN MILITARY POWER SECRETLY RESENTED

OVERSIGHT DEFINES MARRIAGE AS BETWEEN MAN AND SUPERMAN

PREZ KENNEDY ZOMBIE INQUIRES ABOUT SCHWARZENEGGER BRAINS

WEATHER BLITHELY ANTICIPATED