Pirate Talk Expressions For the Office

I know it's hard, but it is talk like a Pirate Day. Try not to say "Arr," instead go with any salty expression that comes to and sex it up with a little quasi Middle English.

This year, I recommend appropriate expressions for common office situations. Aye.

Examples:

Getting someone to fetch a round of coffee:

"Where's that half-weaned intern, skylarking in the mizzentop? Ahoy! You there, whelk! 'Vast that sea-stare at the quarterdeck like a lugubrious grouper, and down the stores for coffee, hot, black and fast, and if I taste Raspberry I'll have yer good arm for a stern lantern! And shake a leg, there!"

Noticing a "muffintop: "

"Tighten up yer lines, there, lass, abaft the mizzen - yer petticoats is running free, and ye look like a ha'penny Bristol hartlot on twice-rations."

Answering the Telephone:

"Ahoy! What ship is that?"

And When they say "What?" Reply: "Show yer flag or heave-to and prepare be boarded."

When they say "What?" again,

Say "Last, chance, matey. Loosen yer tongue or eats ye a blue broadside of grape and chain, the devil's own waisters on yer deck, and a bloodthirsty gang of the kind of soddomites who ain't thar fer ye color samples!"

When handing a "TPS report" to your boss.

"There's yer signs and scratching's, ye gelded quill-idler! Ye've got me off soundings and tossed me quadrant to the nines! Curse ye for this wench's work, and damn yer assistant Cindy for a molasses-gobbling bilge-varmint!

When Windows fails for any reason:

"Lucifier's love-handles! We've misses stays on a lee cape and she's blown all aback! Helm a-larboard! To the catheads and drop anchor! Move ye sea-slugs! I'll take yer bones for belaying pins! (I did? Well, then.) To the starboard sheets! Axes to the larboard tacks!

At this point, take out an axe and methodically destroy your computer. You may now say:

"ARRRRRR!!!!"

Aye, time to pay Poseidon's share! Break the rum casks, lads, sing yer bastard hearts forgotten! We been done by, boys, and down the sea we go! "