Several Ted Stevens Jokes, Adjusted For Popular Media

(Ted Stevens, R-Alaska, addressing a question on investment derivatives.)

1. We Alaskans all owe Ted Stevens, especially for blazing the way across the Bering land bridge during the last Ice Age.

2. Ted Stevens has been angry since his days in the Praetorian Guard, when he watched Brutus stab Julius Ceasar.

3. Ted Stevens would let Exxon drill your back molars.

4. Ted Stevens old? C'mon! You're only as old as your Carbon-14 dating says you are.

5. Alaska owes Ted Stevens, like a whore owes her pimp.

6. Ted Stevens believes strongly in war's ability to replace peace.

7. People think Ted Stevens has emotional problems, but you have to remember than we he was growing up, the constant threat of saber-toothed tigers and mammoth attacks was stressing everyone out.

8. Ted Stevens believes in young people. Like John McCain.

9. Stevens believes in keeping the environment safe into the future. As long as he lives, even.

10. Ted Stevens is a national treasure, like the Smithsonian Institute, or their original copy of the Declaration of Independence that he signed, or perhaps Yellowstone National Park, which was also formed 17 million years ago as the North American plate was transported by plate tectonics to a stationary geologic hotspot that spews hot gases and steam to this day and can erupt at any moment.