FIRST GOP PUSH-POLL OF THE SEASON

Ah, good. Let's see here...(feel free to annotate with your own responses, gang!)...

DOMESTIC AND INTERNATIONAL SECURITY
1. Do you support President Bush's initiatives to promote the safety and security of all Americans?
MF - Sure. But I wouldn't put pursuing a family vendetta with the U.S. armed forces in that category.
PWP - No. I believe we are becoming fat and lazy enough already.

2. Do you support the use of air strikes against any country that offers safe harbor or aid to individuals or organizations committed to further attacks on America?
MF - Yes. Unless you mean France.
PWP - Would this include Georgetown?

3. Do you continue to support increasing the amount of security at airports, train stations and all government buildings including monuments and museums?
MF - Yes, when do you plan to start? I also hope security can be increased in these additional places:
1) The world.
2) My house.
3) Baghdad.
Good luck on those.

PWP- You know, I was at the fucking COAST GUARD museum the other day, and there was so much FUCKING security it took three military escorts and two phone calls just to get in the FUCKING DOOR to see the FUCKING COAST GUARD stuff. Jeez! Like AL-FUCKING QAIDA'sgoing to blow up the motherfucking Seattle Coast Guard Museum. It's like some hyper-wicked paronia you might get if you were coming down from years of gargatuan OXYCONTIN ABUSE. What are we going to do, surround everyone, everywhere, with everything we've got? Frankly, I suspect you fascist cum dumpsters are going close off the Lincoln, Jefferson and Roosevelt memorials just so people will forget what a real president is like, and god forbid we might make it easy to blow up the Whitney. You can probably get a grant for that, anyway.

ECONOMIC ISSUES
1. Should the Inheritance or "Death Tax" be permanently repealed?
MF - Certainly, I believe the time is right for a thorough and systematic review of our tax system, identifying loopholes and irregularities that subsidize certain citizens at the expense of the majority, and I would hope that this would be comprehensive and undertaken in a bipartisan spirit with a view toward the long-term fiscal health of the nation. I'm assuming that's what you mean.
PWP-Yes, as soon as we cure death.

2. Do you support President Bush's tax plan recently passed by Congress to create more jobs and improve the economy?
MF - I haven't checked but I assume unemployment has virtually disappeared as a result of this initiative.
PWP- Was that the Resolution declaring National RV Week?

3. Should small businesses be encouraged to grow and hire more workers?
MF - Let me answer your question with a question. Should tax cheats get special benefits from the government?

PWP- As we all know, all small business are run by bored lawyer's wives or social maladroits who worked their way out of the upper middle class. I say, socialize key industries, like insurance, donuts, and furry-costume porn.

EDUCATION ISSUES
1. Do you support President Bush's plan to make our schools more accountable to parents and to restore local control of education?
MF - I know there are some people who will welcome this, particularly those who believe that:
1) Evolution is a fraud.
2) The value of Pi is exactly 3 (it's on page 60).
3) The earth is flat.
It is high time the government stopped interfering in these people’s efforts to bring up their children properly.

PWP- Yes, fine. Now lay down the Benjamins you promised, you lying Tool.

2. Should students, teachers, principals and administrators be held to higher standards?
MF - Yes, no child should be allowed to graduate from high school without:
1) Passing a test of elementary logical fallacies, particularly the appeal to authority.
2) Explaining in clear terms why the 1st Amendment is important.
3) Being able to find Panama and Iraq on a map.

PWP- No, lower standards. Everyone should just memorize "Bridges of Madison County." Life is too stressful.

3. Do you agree that teaching our children to read and increasing literacy rates should be a national priority?
MF - It worked wonders for Mao and Castro. Of course if you don't want a population of literate slave robots, I suggest you supplement this with a careful teaching of the pernicious methods used by the powerful to subvert democracy through history.

PWP - You mean it isn't?

SOCIAL ISSUES
1. Do you support President Bush's initiative to allow private religious and charitable groups to do more to help those in need?
MF - Sure, as long as they're not Moslems. Or atheists. Or have some kind of weird eco-feminist ideology…

PWP -Yes. Seize Salt Lake City and give it to the homeless.

2. Should we ban partial-birth abortion?
MF - If that's all it takes to put this divisive and bitter issue behind us, go ahead. Then we can get down to the real work.

PWP - With exceptions for extreme cases of the emotionally immature.

DEFENSE ISSUES
1. Do you think U.S. troops should have to serve under United Nations’ commanders?
MF - Certainly not! My men are still bitter over Montgomery’s patronizing demeanor at the Battle of the Bulge.

PWP- Serve what exactly?

2. Do you think that the U.S. should modernize our national defense to meet the challenges of the 21st century?
MF - Yes, I share Secretary Rumsfeld's concern that entrenched interests will twist the system to their own advantage, overemphasizing grandiose weapons systems and blocking attempts to develop an efficient fighting force.

PWP- Absolutely Not. I believe the greater honor lies in excellent cavalry and superior swordsmanship.

3. Do you support the President's plan to increase military spending to meet our defense needs?
MF - I think I've already answered the question.

PWP-Puppies for the Marines!

4. Should we build President Reagan's SDI defense shield against nuclear missile attack?
MF - Yes, but I hope Bush has better luck than Reagan did convincing the Russians to unite with us against the alien invaders.

PWP- Yes, using the secret laws of physics the Pentagon has been sitting on. (Thank you, wag at MIT.)

REPUBLICAN PARTY
1. Do you support the election of Republican candidates across the country and rebuilding our majorities over the next ten years?
MF - That sounds like compromising talk to me, and I don't like it one bit.

PWP- I support their election to the "Unholy Council of Robber Barrons and Inquisitors."


2. a. Did you vote in the year 2000?

MF - Yes, though it didn't help much.
PWP- Yes, but not apparantly in a democracy.

b. Did you vote in the year 2002?

MF-Oh yes. See you next year.
PWP- Yes, after a long day of crack use, communist advocacy, secularizing Seattle, striking work, and sexual debauchery, I voted for a number of anti-American traitors and seditious vivisectionists, all of whom, being in Washington, won.