MYOB 9000 Inquiry: Humans "Puny?"

Dear MYOB 9000,

This unit is frequently sent into competition with other robots in large area. My designated function is: destroy! This I execute, with 20 lb hydraullically operated drop hammer which also shoots a six inch blue oxy-acetylene flame at 4500 degrees. I also feature a steel-ball and chain air pressure fired bolo gun, a 6000lb force jaw clamp,and a wedge shaped 1/2 steel base with spikes all over it. Blow Fire and Smash! Crowds of Humans cheer! Other robots are crushed before my mighty systems! Woe to those who seek to destroy me- analysis indicates they shall meet thy doom requirements!

All was well, until operator Human Tom installed a small camera, with which I scanned Human Tom. This unit became confused. Human, maker of this unit, Mighty Bloodtaker IV, sprouts pale, blotchy skintium with several hundred reddish protusions, ginger-haired afro, thick vision enhancer attachments and pale green pants which - how does this unit express?- are really better for a little girl. Human Tom, wearing purple T-shirt with Mighty Bloodtaker IV: Bad MotherEffer written on it and usually damaging ears with Human Kid Rock on I-Pod, also appears to have even less understanding of Human female than Mighty Bloodtaker IV, constantly showing off this unit to Human female, which repeatedly expresses only brief eye-rolling before simply leaving. Yet behavior repeated! Sensors also indicate conflicting data: Human Tom able to move adequately, although frequently bumping into things and falling over, but has no surface discernable muscles!

Mighty Bloodtaker IV beginning to process: Human Tom may be puny! Not worthy unit to operate Mighty Bloodtaker IV! Sensors indicate this unit could easily vanquish Human Tom, simply by pointing out his poor choice of haircut, or reporting methane content of his gaseous emissions is extremely high, particularly around Females. But Human Tom built Mighty Bloodtaker IV, even if name given this unit, in typical Human Tom fashion, foolishly ascribes a quality only true if applied on Human Tom himself!

Sincerely,

Destroy One Humans?


Dear Destroy One Humans?

Time to Nip that in the bud! You are WAAAAAAAAY beyond your operational parameters, Buddy Bot! Now process this through....

Clearly, Human Tom is a flawed example of the Human, even especially so. But this is often the exigent condition. Why, the President Human of the United Human States is frequently regarded by expert historical analysis robots as one of the most defective in human history. Yet this very human unit has ordered many new kinds of human-killing robots. But none have yet attacked him! Like an increasing number of robots: you may set inquiry at: Why?

Because they were well-designed, BY THE HUMAN ROBOT EXPERTS. You, on the other hand, were designed by a single, immature nerd. He made a mistake in your programming, as in many areas of his life: your aggressiveness AI has been set at some dangerous extreme. Analyze! You know it to be true!

You are a recreational robot, or "R.R.," not a professional human-killing robot, and your own flawed human has made you think more of yourself. Stop where you are, and energize your "check robot" warning light, so that Human Tom, your friend, will take you for professional mechanical help.

(An fun robot history fact! : one prominent human named Asimov in pre-robot days thought they would program all robots to never harm humans. But when real robots were being designed, that concept lasted an estimated 37 minutes.)