A Message to Our Fans

Dear Revenge on Ice Season Ticket Holder:

It is safe to say that, after the first turn, our results have been, perhaps, a little disappointing. No one shares your disappointment more than us, the ownership of Revenge on Ice.

We're winners, you see. We live to win. Winning is so underrated in our society. It is fun, and reminds of our rightful place atop the great human pyramid. But winning is more than that. Winning is liberating. Winning gives us the freedom to be who we are.

Which is why we are so disappointed in the performance of your team, Revenge on Ice.

Starting today we are taking bold action to stay the course:

• We have changed the color and design on our helmets.
• We have waived Brett Favre.
• We have to decided to start Michael Turner the next time it seems likely he will score 27.7 fantasy points on the road against one of the League's stronger defenses.
• Next Sunday will be "Free Icepick Day." Under this exciting promotion, the first 10,000 fans at Strauss Memorial Stadium will receive a free icepick bearing the Revenge on Ice team logo.
  
• Our market research department is looking into changing the name of the team, and possibly entering the ownership group in the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Yours in accountability,

The Ownership