Today's Urgent Headlines Today for January 1, 2010

Rush Limbaugh Rushed to Appleby's With Hunger Pains

Analyst: American Zero Industry Expects 1/3  Reduction in Sales in 2010

Lethal "Ding" Horrifies Bystanders as Steve Jobs Killed by Falling Rotary Phone  

Senator Joe Lieberman Reportedly Beholden To Crème Brûlée Lobby

U.S. Economic Activity Incre....Headline Writer Already Bored

Adorable Kittens Get Out of Box and Immediately Lie Down on Floor

Iran and China Compete in Crack-Down-Off

View of Stunning Bettie-Page Look-Alike Blocked by Cheerful, Solicitous Grandmother

Annual Festival of the Disorganized Taking Place Sometime This Next Month or So In San Bernadino, Chicago, or Boise at One of Those Big Hotels Which Probably Still Has Room

In Today's Urgent Headlines Today Urgent Hi-Tech Opinions Today, by the editors of Wired Magazine:  "Mirco Robots Installed on Your Face Giving You Orders Are Inevitable and Have Many Benefits, So Get Over It."

News Consumers Pass Over Subtle Joke About Zero Industry Sales in 2010

New York Times Moves to All Twitter-Format

Nations' Squirrels Chatter at Obama Over Slow-to-Implement Nut Promises

Reports: iPhone's Douchebag App Runs Quietly In Background

Paul Krugman Calls NY Times Publishers " Mthfking Uslss GDmn Mrnic Fckrs

Israeli, Palestinian Reluctantly Share Last Bag of M and Ms

Hacked Emails Show Climate Scientists Angry at People Who Deny Facts