BEST OF! Tomorrow's Urgent Headlines TODAY #1 (2004)

Brevity: Wit

Candy-Ass Alaskan Mauled By Gummy Bear

As Casualties Mount, Pizza Hut Pulls Out of Iraq

Shelving Display Bores Children Into ICU

HUNGRY METEOROLOGIST PREDICTS STRONG ONSHORE FLAN

HOLY CRAP! VATICAN CITY WATER TREATMENT BONDS DISCUSSION SLATED

Deadline for Peace Expires As Adorable Kittens Reposition to Attack Drapes

White House Hobbies!  Senior Bush Administration Economist Great at Sucking Cock

INTENSE CRITICISM OF ENTROPY PETERING OUT

PAKISTAN CLOSING IN ON PAKISTAN

Tiny, Carnivorous Snapping Frogs Begin Hiding in Lattes by Sticking Upside-Down on Lid

LOBSTER SOUP BLOWN UP BY BISQUE SEPARATISTS

University of Michigan Study of Learning IDs Common College Learning Pattern: Reading, Learning, Forgetting, Reminding Self Enough to Pass Test, Remembering a Bit, And Finally Forgetting Suddenly When Distracted by Presence of Bee in Car

Bush Relaxing Behind Closed Doors in Crawford Reverts Back to Thick Boston Accent, Russian Service and Dressing Basically Like Mr. Peanut

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: As of 5/11/04, Henry M. Kissinger is not responsible for any genocides other than his own.

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN ASTROPHYSICS PAPER SUGGESTS THAT TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPIN', SLIPPIN', SLIPPIN' INTO THE FUTURE

Hogan's Heroes Anthropologist Sought Missing Klink

Madison, WI Communist Party Meeting Sees Modest Increase in Attendance; Extra Chairs Requested from Denny's Waitress

University of Robots' Robot Sexologist Recommends Liberal Application of KY WD40

Rumsfeld Team Quickly Developing Some Sort of "Operation Desert Badger"

North Korea Announces Another Atomic Bomb; Also, Possible Toaster Oven

IN MARKETING DEAL, RICHARD THE THIRD ANNOUNCES "NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTINUED MATTRESSES."

Ann Coulter: Boxers or Briefs?

CONCERN GROWS: WILL ADORABLE KITTEN BE ABLE TO HANG IN THERE?

As We Speak, Millions of Americans are Standing Around on Carpets

Young Evolutionary Biology Professor Challenging Older, Dominant Full Professor for Research Assistants

INTERNATIONAL EXPLOSIONS TASK FORCE RECOMMENDS REDUCTION IN EXPLOSIONS

Adorable Kittens Convinced Blanket-Covered Toes May in Fact Be Blanket-Covered Mice

Spiderman, Shelob Duel Leaves a Big Sticky Mess

Neo-Druid CPAs Gather at Stonehenge for Summer Solstice of the Fiscal Year

Mystery Death as Hiker Singing, Whistling, Chatting while Rattling Cans and Blowing Horns in Pristine Back-Country Has Head Torn off by Bear

Today's Urgent Art History Panel Topics:  "Hear that, Cracker? I'm Going to Go Medieval on Your Assessment of 14th Century Venetian Portrait Painting"

AS PROMISED DURING EVENING DATE, 5.9 "LOVEQUAKE" ROCKS STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA

Alan Greenspan Forgets ATM Pin Number

AP (Vienna): Reuters Correspondent in Austria is So Lazy She's on the Verge of Making It All Up

Reuters (Vienna): AP Correspondent in Austria is Too Emotionally Immature to Move On With His Life


ALASKANS DIG IN, BRACE FOR 3 MORE MONTHS OF SPRING

BREAKING NEWS: Dude Drops Plate

PACIFIC PUDDING SHARK HAS SPOON-SHARP TEETH

U.S. ARMY, ATTEMPTING TO REPOSITION IN IRAQ, ACCIDENTALLY DEFEATS TURKEY

OPPONENTS OF EDIBLE CARS PROPOSED TO EASE URBAN PARKING CRUNCH SAY SYSTEM COULD INCREASE OBESITY; PROPONENTS POINT OUT THAT AFTER CARS ARE EATEN, PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO WALK MORE

Coming Up on Headlines: Grape Nuts- Healthy Breakfast Cereal or Crunchy Gateway to Sexual Depravity?

ACTIONABLE INTELLIGENCE THWARTED BY KINETIC STUPIDITY

Jobs Picture Great For Lazy

These Brittle, Depressing Korean Crayons Tell Me This Toy Store is Doomed

Coming Up on Headlines: Are You Putting Your Family At Risk With Your Random, Drunken Automatic Weapons Fire?