Leaving the house is overrated

In Los Angeles, here is only part of what often happens when you leave the house, in order of when/how I learned it: 

1. You are flattened by a car while crossing the street.
2. You go to a stunning 1920s Spanish revival mansion on a cliff in Santa Monica for a party where you know everybody already and you know you can’t tolerate even one of them.
3. You get hit on by an elderly fat journalist with red-wine-mouth.
4. While hiking, your dog is kicked by one of those self-satisfied people running uncontrollably downhill, and so jumps into the moldy, muddy, algae-lined water bowl at Runyon Canyon.
5. A woman wearing a straw hat and bikini shouts at you for letting your dog jump into the water bowl.
6. You accidentally rear-end someone while reversing to get a parking space at Trader Joe’s.
7. You rupture your L3-L4 spinal disc just by carrying groceries.

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