THINGS I WILL NOT BUY - A Reply to the Asia Times.

[Have a couple friends hum "My Country 'tis of Thee" as you read this aloud. - MoF]

Speaking as an American, Sir, there are things that I will not buy. I expect excellent quality. I expect reasonable prices. I will buy no products that promise more than they can deliver, or products that are lately touted as somehow "cool" and the "latest thing." I will not buy a wine that isn't sophisticated and mature any more than I would buy a gun that doesn't kill in one shot. I will not buy coffee that tastes like chicken. No sir, no substandard egalitarian literature for me - only sonnets featuring a good hard rogering in the original Greek. I will drive no vacuous Econ-0-Box, nor overstuffed SUV - I drive a solid teak old-world cart towed by monkeys. I don't buy "airplane tickets." I buy "air superiority." I eat fine, Tuscan-style dim-sum, prepared by pure Franciscan interns. I don't eat the endless proliferation of tasteless chopped hamburger in a plastic box. Speaking of boxes, I also eat 100% Grade-A American pussy.

No, Sir, quality is job one, two and three. I recognize it. I demand it. I boost it when no one is looking. But I also buy it, looking to my soon-to-be-mine quality product with a New World TASTE AND REFINEMENT. If I walk into store and the salesperson disregards me when I proudly pronouce "I am here for a SOPHISTICATED QUALITY product," I may
projectile vomit olive loaf as a way of underscoring my committment to SOPHISTICATED QUALITY. And if I begin urinating an ancient rune of disappointment on discovering sheets with less than a 160-thread count, it is the clearest mark of my education and worldliness.

I am so sophisticated, Sir, the fucking dictionary looks ME up. No, Sir, I will not be another hoi-pallae tarred with your stinky black brush of Anti-Americanisticism. Real Americans of QUALITY always insist on SOPHISTICATED TASTEFUL AND REFINED PRODUCTS.

I will thank you, Sir, to remember that.

[Here, here! -CCPC]