REINDEER THUGGERY

After the latest reindeer mugging incident, my thoughts turn to my childhood, and my annual bafflement over the song "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

First of all, is his nose red, shiny, or glowing? I know what the pictures show, but the text is decidedly ambiguous. Even if it's glowing, how is that helpful for navigation? Ask any pilot if they'd like a big, bright, round red light attached to the nose of their plane. I think it would do more harm than good.

Second, due to his deformity, he is deliberately excluded from reindeer games. And my question is where the hell is Santa? Where is the great bearded arbiter, who is so preoccupied with right and wrong that he takes special care to use Christmas to punish children whose behavior he does not approve of (going to their houses to put coal in their stockings)? But Mr. Big Shot apparently can't control his own staff, letting them bully the weak and less-fortunate. Until, of course, Rudolph is favored by Santa. "Then all the reindeer loved him" - the hypocritical bastards. Their amoral respect for power is more understandable when you remember that they're Russian.

Third, what did Santa do in foul weather before Rudolph was born? Stay home?

I love Christmas. It's reindeer that piss me off.