TODAY'S TOMORROW'S HEADLINES

CANDY-ASS ALASKAN MAULED BY GUMMY BEAR

FDA RECONSIDERS 'EASY-OFF' AMPUTATION GEL

CAREFUL SEARCH OF UPPER VOLTA REVEALS 1.2 MILLION U.S. JOBS

20 YEAR TREND: AMERICAN WOMEN SOMEWHAT "HOTTER"

ANN COULTER'S MANHOOD CHALLENGED

TINY, TINY MAN BRUSHES OFF TINY, TINY, TINY MAN

DISGRUNTLED OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY BITES BUSH IN ASS

FRITO-LAY CELEBRATES GREATEST AVERAGE U.S. WAISTLINE

AUGUSTUS CEASAR SUES U.S: TRADE SECRETS

TALK SHOW DEGENERATES INTO REASONED DISCOURSE

COMPUTER OPERATOR REPLACED BY COMPUTER-OPERATING ROBOT

NATIONAL DEFICIT ACCUSED OF CHILD MOLESTATION

WASTE DISPOSAL ISSUE DERAILS ATOMIC WEDGIE

BUSH BYPASSES BIN LADEN IN "PISS OFF-TOTALITY OF EARTH" CONTEST

BOEING FORCED TO SHELVE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

COURTNEY LOVE "JONESING" FOR MACRAME