TODAY'S TOMORROW'S HEADLINES

MANIC-DEPRESSIVE FEELING "SO-SO"

PARIS HILTON NARROWLY MISSES BEING IGNORED

FOX CRAWLER MISSPELLS "PINKO"

NOBEL ECON. LAUREATE AWARDED 50 "BONUS BUCKS"

JACKSON LAWYER REVERSES DENIAL, CONDEMNS ADMISSION

BUSH SAYS BELGIANS "COULDN'T BE MORE GAY."

NEW QUANTUM DIET: BODY CAN'T LOCATE CALORIES

HEE-HAW RADIO HOST REPLACES KORN SINGER ON TOUR

BATMAN: ASHCROFT "PRUNE-FACED TURBO-NAZI"

SO-CALLED 'TIME-LOZENGE' INDUCES P-51 ATTACK ON NORTH BEACH