TODAY'S TOMORROW'S HEADLINES

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE USED TO CLEAR MINEFIELD

MOB MUSCLES IN ON WOODLAND CREATURES

INQUISITIVE AUSTRIAN GORED BY RARE HORNED KOALA

GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ CONSTANTLY PESTERED BY NOISY, PUSHY NEIGHBORS

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN PHILOSOPHY REVIEW: PLATO KIND OF A DICK

SILVER SURFER CONTACTS PRESIDENT WITH EMERGENCY SPACE KO-AN:
"You are the 3 sounds made
by the falling car keys of America
as they plunge through the sewage grate
of national being."

HILTON SISTERS BOLSTER CASE FOR STEEP NEW INHERITANCE TAX

IMPERFECT STORM MOISTENS PARKING LOT

ANONYMOUS TIPSTER FINGERS PREVIOUS ANONYMOUS TIPSTER

11 YEAR OLD: WAR GAME MAKES WAR LOOK FUN

JUDGE RULES 1000S OF MURDERERS FREED: LIBERAL WHIMSY

NASA TEEN EDUC PROGRAM'S ATTEMPT TO SOUND COOL FALLS FLAT

NEW LINCOLN NAVIGATOR EQUIPPED WITH SEGWAY TO SCOOT AROUND CAVERNOUS INTERIOR

ADORABLE KITTENS FALL HARMLESSLY OFF TABLES TO BACHMAN TURNER OVERDRIVE SONG

POP-IN-JAYS, FOPS, DANDIES MISTAKEN FOR METEROSEXUALS

TRENDY SHOPPERS REALIZE ONLY GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE IN TARGET STORE ARE ON GIANT FOAMBOARD PHOTOS

SCRUMPTIOUS TYRA BANKS, DELICIOUS PASTRAMI SANDWICH AT LOGGERHEADS

BUSH TALKED OUT OF SQUIRTING FLOWER GAG FOR QUEEN AT LAST MINUTE

ADORABLE KITTENS ORGANIZE, FORM DARLING UNION

AMERICAN IDOL TALENT THWARTED BY NAUSEATING MATERIAL

YALE CONFESSES: WE'LL LET IN ANY SNOT-NOSED ASSWIPE WITH SUPERWEALTH AND CONNECTIONS

DA VINCI PAINTING, RICH IN HIDDEN SYMBOLISM, REVEALS PASSING INTEREST IN CROP ROTATION

CONCEPTUAL ARTIST TOO LAZY TO STAND STILL, BELCH, ISSUE VIDEO DOCUMENTATION

OUT-OF-CONTROL ALCOHOLIC REACHES 13TH STEP

ADORABLE KITTENS UNION WALKS: REAL CREAM, LONGER NAPS

HILTON SISTERS MATR.... MACKTI... MATICUTICLE... START GOING TO YALE

MOOSE ISSUES DENIAL THROUGH SPOKES-ELK

CABLE CHANNEL'S VAUNTED 'ATTITUDE' JUST LOUDER ANNOUNCERS, MORE RAPID EDITING

SITCOM BASED ON PROUST'S SWANN'S WAY TO FEATURE LOVABLY QUIRKY FAMILY, CRAZY NEIGHBOR, TRADING OF GOOD-NATURED INSULTS

DOGGED QUESTIONS POSTPONE NIKE 'TRIUMPH OF THE WILL' CAMPAIGN

ADORABLE KITTENS STRIKE ERUPTS IN VIOLENCE: AIR PAWED, RUG SCRATCHED, YARN TANGLED, MEWING REPORTED DEAFENING

JESSICA SIMPSON ANGRILY RESPONDS SHE IS NOT HALF AS DUMB AS TWO BOXES OF HAIR

SUV SOILED

DOJ: KEN LAY NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF WEALTH

TAPE OF SENATOR LIEBERMAN'S VOICE USED TO DRIVE TERMITES FROM APARTMENT BUILDING

BREAK IN ADORABLE KITTENS' STRIKE AS LEAD UNION NEGOTIATORS DISTRACTED BY TOY MOUSE, ACCEPT HEAD SCRITCHES

ETHAN HAWKE REPORTEDLY STILL BANGING CANADIAN GIRLFRIEND AS WELL AS OWN HEAD ON WALL

FRIENDS CANNOT DISSUADE STEPHEN SEGALL FROM "OPHELIA" ROLE

STEPHEN KING COMPARES SELF TO WRITER

SIEGFRIED TIGER SELLING EXTENDED WARRANTIES AT CIRCUIT CITY

BUSH NOW CONVINCED ASIA NO LONGER COUNTRY

SAN FRANCISCO NEIGHBORHOOD DISCOVERS BUILDING CODE REQUIRES GINGERBREAD

ADORABLE KITTENS SETTLE FOR INCREASED ATTENTION, RETURN TO LAPS