TODAY'S TOMORROW'S HEADLINES

VOLCANO EMITS PLEASANT BANANA-LIKE ODOR

AP: REUTERS BITES

STYLISH, ATTRACTIVE COUPLE DISCUSSING HOT SEX UNACCOUNTABLY DORKY

DRIVING SQUIRREL CAN'T FIND KEYS

ASSHOLE CALLS KETTLE "ASSHOLE"

ORGAN FED UP: G.O.P. HEAD GILLISPE STRANGLED INTERNALLY BY OWN COLON

EARTH DIAGNOSED WITH BI-POLAR DISORDER

WESTERN CIVILIZATION DECLINED AT BEST BUY

MEDIOCRE PERSONALITY MAGNIFIED BY NATIONAL MEDIA EXPOSURE

LEGENDARY KUNG-FU MASTER SPORTS INEXPENSIVE TOUPEE

NOSTRILS OF DISCOVERY LEAST POPULAR IMAX FILM
[Nostrils of financial analyst spew coffee on keyboard. -MoF ]

EX-PUNK, 37, CATCHES SELF CALLING PUNKS "DAMN PUNKS"

TV FAMILY MAY EXPERIENCE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

OLD NAVY DEBUTS CONTROVERSIAL THIGH-HUGGERS

ASTROPHYSICIST LOCATES TOOTHPASTE

BRITANNY SPEARS KICKED OUT OF BED: SALTINES

STONED TEENS LEARN CAPITAL OF THAILAND: GIGGLE FIT ENTERS 17th HOUR

MADAGASCAR COUPLE DISPUTES CELINE DION'S ARTISTIC MERIT

OWNER SIGHS AS $58,000 CAR BRINGS SINGLE FLEETING MOMENT OF CONTENTMENT

MYANMAR POLITICAL PRISONERS OUTFOX LOVABLY FOOLISH GUARDS

CONGRESS IN LITERAL UPROAR; WINDOWS BREAK, 2 HOSPITALIZED, HOWLING DISTURBS ELDERLY NEIGHBOR

GAY EXECUTIVE'S PERSONAL STRUGGLE ACTUALLY NOT PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT

ARTIST PSYCHED BY DISPROPORTIONATELY ATTRACTIVE GIRLFRIEND

WORLD RELIEF AT VOICE-ACTIVATED U.S. NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES REQUIREMENT:
"NUCLEAR" MUST BE PRONOUNCED CORRECTLY
[This is the funniest thing I have read this year. -MoF ]

INTELLECTUAL ANNOYED BY SUCCESSFUL USE OF WHACK LINE AT CLUB