Into the Dictionary

Jon Stewart recently posited that Tucker Carlson is a "dick." Let us evaluate the applicability of this verbal dicktification of Tucker "Dick" Carlson.

It is widely known that no seriously analyst would reject a description of Tuckler Carlson as a sociopathic pinch-necked little preppy turbo weasel with a starched hemlock 2 by 4 up the deficit, but a dick? A pussy with a soft spot for leather goods and goose-stepping, sure, but what is important here is to differentiate the dickscriptive from the perjorative.

A rigorous survey of things Tucker Carlson says, such as "the" or "and", would suggest that dripping contempt is as water to his thirsty soul, and his only enjoyment in life is humiliating inferiors, making money or using leather goods in rigorously controlled scenarios. University studies have shown that Tucker Carlson randomly head-butts lower-caste women, such as those below 57th on the East Side. D.C. Police report that Tucker Carlon was arrested for overturning cars in celebration when the Capital Gains tax was gutted, and puncturing the car tires of clerks at Target when the Estate tax was greatly reduced, which as he explained later, was the natural process of the market rewarding efficient behavior. For that incident, he did his community service in the steam n' steak room at the Georgetown Petroleum Club.

Certainly, this is a prima facia case of a dicktitude of Dickensian proportions. But is Carlson's dicktality total or partial? His addicktion grew from a steaming hot heap of dickly privilege which, sources say, occupies the set of all points, and contributed to his million dollar dicktion. So perhaps "Dick of Ages" or "Dicktoplex" or "Dickfinity" or "NitroDick" or "Order of Dicktitude" or "Dickzilla," or "Doug and Bob Dickensie" or "Tricky Tucker" or "Dick Vader" would not be disproportionate characterizations, and Jon Stewart might only be faulted for his mildness and self-containment.