What Is Rock?

After some discussion of 'Girls Got Rhythm' with the Laird, and some Net research, it is becoming apparent that a lot of people simply don't know what rock is. Yes, even here in America, home of the Chrysler 440 cubic inch engine, people who should know better are able to put up best song lists that look like this (I have rated the degree to which each song rocks on a scale of 1-10 in parentheses):

1. Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan (1)
2. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones (7.5)
3. Imagine - John Lennon (0)
4. What's Going On? - Marvin Gaye (3)
5. Respect - Aretha Franklin (7)
6. Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys (6)
7. Johnny B. Goode - Chuck Berry (8)
8. Hey Jude - The Beatles (0.5)
9. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana (9)
10. What'd I Say - Ray Charles (7)

Or this:

1. Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin (2.5, extra credit for the word 'bustle')
2. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones (7.5)
3. Layla - Derek and the Dominoes (8.5)
4. A Day in the Life - The Beatles (0.25)
5. Won't Get Fooled Again - The Who (8.5)
6. Light My Fire - The Doors (3)
7. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd (6 - A masterpiece, BTW, but not a rock masterpiece)
8. Hotel California - The Eagles (-1)
9. Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen (8)
10. Imagine - John Lennon (0)

It just seems if you're going to pick a list of rock songs, you should pick songs that actually rock. My God, people are picking 'Bohemian Rhapsody' and 'Nights in White Satin' as great rock songs. Darkness descends.

Well, you might say, rock is a normative concept. Rock is subjective. Rock is in the eye of the beholder, these are complex matters, blah blah blah. Fine, go join the Sith and live in your relativist hell.

Let me just say, I know it when I see it. And it looks like this:




Let's set the record straight. Our nation's future is at stake.