Flash: Everything is Normal

Daily News Headline: No Cement Shortage in Alaska.

And in other Alaska News:

Fairbanks Tsunami-Free

Intense Pressure of Celebrity Culture, Looking Perfect Not Daunting Citizens of Chikaloon

Anchorage Music Scene Not The Rage

Muldoon Total Lack of Artists Community Not Being Forced Out of Trendy Loft Spaces

Alaska Women Not Begging for Dates

Another Walmart Not Not Built

Oil Lobbyists Definitely Not Going Anywhere

Breakup Did Not Fail to Reveal Copious Poo

New Anti-Missile System Does Not Stop Missiles

Wasilla Fails to Clinch Total Crystal Meth Consumption Record

University of Alaska Does Not Win Nobel Prize in Anything Again

Speeding Pickup Did Not See Family of German Tourists