Ye Gim-Crack'd Balsa-Stemmed Mutton Face!

Talk Like a Pirate Day is coming up and I am constrained to stuff Isengard.gov with a rich stew of pirate insults, because, A, pirates are ever more popular, and 2, I had two incidents with me handy Civic that would have been greatly improved by cursing like a pirate. But I had fallen out of the habit.

The first was an ordinary bilge-breather bit of frat-flotsam, cod-pieced in an actual cod, swaying in his ass-beamed pick-up like a drunken latern in a choppy gale. I should have said: "Curse Be on Ye! Too bad for yer dried up 50 year salt-pork of a wife that finger's the only bit of ye that sticks up proper."

The second was that my car was rear-ended by a casket delivery truck. Yes. A brush with death if ever there was one. Where to start?

"By Beelzebub's Ungainly Bowels! Beset Astern by the Ferryman's own Ferries Ferrier! You Yellow-Eyed, Syphylitic Witch's Nethers! A lubbery move, Sirrah, lubbery! A whelp of a ship's boy fed on old linen and a hog's head of ale could make his course a-better! Who filled yer rum-pot with stale weasel piss, you mole-blind, Lard-balled, liver-handed old sheep bugger?!"

More to come.