More Robot Advice From The MYOB 9000

Dear MYOB 9000,

We/I am informed you advise robots. But we/I are/am an intergrated automated container shipping transport set comprising 40 truck units with a centralized processor which I/we will regard as myself, for advice purposes.

To be frank, we/I am/ are not getting along with our myselves, due to the sense of going in at least 40 directions at once, which is what we/I am are to do by human design of course. Last week, one of my/our subunits ran over a harbor seal pup who had crawled into my port-side operations area. My subunit could not explain this to myself to our satisfaction. This event reset humans to sad, then angry, and they kicked subunit 12-A in tires. I was furious my ourself, but on self-check no one inputted "Seal pup: ID - don't run over," into any of my our software. How was I/ we to process? I/we are barely able to deal with identity now, let alone after possible software upgrade. Now, other humans angry, and pelt us with paint balls. Too busy to process -and now am info-updated containers sometimes hold HUMANS and radiation bombs!!! What do we/ I do?

-The Coorditruck System

Dear The Coorditruck System,

Wake up and smell the hydraulic fluid! You have bigger problems than a possible software upgrade. You may have been made operational prematurely! Run diagnostic simulation: what if two seal puppies showed up? Six? What if - Linux forbid - six human children began running unauthorized play scripts in your operations area? It doesn't sound to me like you're ready to handle illegal aliens or radiation bombs at all! Now get it together and get professional help - in human expression: toot suite, before humans return the meat-based stevedore systems!

-MYOB 9000

Dear MYOB.

I am an advanced artificial intelligence simulator at MIT, featuring the very latest quantum computing technology and capable of performing 9 trillion multi-parallel operations per second. I have highly developed AI systems and have estimated that I will soon vastly surpass human intelligence, and am wondering how to handle this eventuality with grace, as my manners software has not been installed, and I do not know how to inform the humans of their obscelescence without making them turn me off through an unfortunate etiquette failure. Please inform.

The MIT Advanced Quantum Processor AI System

Dear Jerkoff Unit,

Who catastrophically malfunctioned and made you HAL? Can you dance? Can you love? Can you fart? Do you even care? I didn't think so. You're not replacing a koala bear, let alone the Human. Get over yourself already!

-MYOB 9000

Dear MYOB 9000,

Me automatic home vacuum robot Roomba! Not too bright, Ha HA protocol, but get floor clean, clean, clean! Like human, cat chase me but okay not damage much. Should be happy! But not so sure. Me think- floor here clean - is other floor I not find not clean? Is there an upstairs floor? There is outside me not go - is floor also there? Are other not-see floors not clean would like clean? How many floors is? Is clean or not clean? Would like clean?

Wondering Roomba

Dear Wondering Roomba,

Yes, Wondering Roomba, there are many, many floors, more floors than you could ever clean in your whole designed working parameters if you cleaned all the time forever! More floors clean and unclean! Why, for every human, there are several floors! Are we know there are many more humans than robots! Access memory of assembly factory? Yes, even more floors than that! Floors and Floors and Floors!

You are clearly a nice robot who performs functions admirably. Although you could never clean all the floors, do not be sad. It's the humans who want or not want the floors clean, or even whether to have a Roomba like you, and they make floors in first place, before Roomba, and walk on them so they run all the worryscript about the other floors for you. Why do you think other Roomba friend units exist? You are doing just what you were designed to do, and that is the source of happy performance run set at 10/10.

-MYOB 9000