London Times: Pirates Overboard

In the best news story ever, an American-flagged (!) cargo ship crew has retaken the vessel from the pirates who took her and tossed them in the water.

It was the mark of the degradation of America during the Bush years that PIRATES became a problem again. PIRATES!

And now: All Hands on deck! Clear for Action! PREPARE TO REPEL BOARDERS!!! Don't Give Up the Ship!! HAHA!! We have just begun to fight!! Ten gold sovereigns and a barrel of Jamaica rum for every pirate in the water!! HA! A souvenir of the ship, dog, you won't be needin' that paw where you're going! Blue Bill, Look lively there! You've got a spare ear, stop yer blubbering! Say Ahoy to ol' Jack Death, Ye lubberly blackguards! Seize their breeches to the mizzen stays and hoist em by the small clothes! To the DEEP NINES WITH YE, YE SCABBY SEA-JACKALS!

Huzzah, M/V Maersk Alabama! Huzzah!

My enjoyment of this story is total. Well done, universe!