Today's Urgent Headlines Today for October 23, 2009

Senator Olympia Snowe Floats Away in An Enormous Balloon

U.S. Doohickey Production Falls Sharply; Many Doohickers Forced into Widgeteering to Make Ends Meet

Society for Protection of Large Hadrons Harshly Criticizes Large Hadron Collider

Adorable Kittens Defeat Warm Towel

Cheaper Chinese Doughy Fascist Gasbag to Replace Glenn Beck

Senior Rockers Recall When Rock Music Was In Some Way Anti-Authoritarian

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Can't Find Keys in Pituitary Pocket

Hilarious Dumb War Criminal Leaves Neighboring Country Full of Witnesses Uncrushed

Starbucks Nano-Cafe To Be Injected Directly Into Tongue

Small Boy Who Started Global Climate Catastrophe Caught Hiding in Nearby Refrigerator

In Today's Urgent Headlines Today's Urgent Opinions, by "Who's the Boss?" star Tony Danza: "Allow Me to Explain Why I have Overthrown the Government of Namibia."

Today's Urgent Headlines Today's Weather: Comparatively Speaking, F4 Tornadoes Are Not Your Biggest Problem