Today's Urgent Headlines Today for October 24, 2009

Defying President Obama, GOP Demands Bureaucratic Government Paperwork Requirements Be Massively Increased

Strangely Dressed Australian Man Corrects Knife Assessment With Example

Gang of Lesbian Hispanic Toughs Push Around Rupert Murdoch at Oakland Shopping Mall

Dismissed Marketing Study Suggested Consumer Interest in a 24-hour News and Information Channel

Boise Subway's Manager Shoos Away White Supremicist "Sandwich Night"

Sheepish NASA Scientists: Moon "Cracked"

View of Stunning Brazilian Girl on Sidewalk Blocked by Arby's Dumpster

Adorable Kittens Announce Mutual Pounce Reduction Agreement

In Today's Urgent Headlines Today's Urgent Opinions, By A Furious Captain Kangaroo: "Glenn Beck, I will Beat Your Sorry Nazi Ass with your own F****** leg."