Incomplete Cheap Novels Posted as Facebook Status Updates 2008-Present

 JAMIE-

drew his sword, the mad sculptor Cellini tossing a crucible of molten bronze - a warm dispute over Ciecherella Borgia, illegitimate daughter of Pope Alexander.

cocked an eyebrow at the preening Archduke: "Your impudence, Sir, is just exceeded by your malodorousness!"

leapt up the barricades, flag aloft in the cannon smoke. "Liberty shall not die gasping for her life at our feet!  Today, we grant our lives for her salvation!"

waited as the massive Persian army lead by Xerxes the Great went by, and as the King passed, he deftly affixed a small piece of paper to his back which read, "Kick Me."

,angered, lifted the cement truck which trapped the box of frightened husky puppies, holding it in one hand. Was this destiny? Was he, in fact, CAPTAIN DESTINY?

leapt up the barricades, flag aloft in the cannon smoke. "Liberty shall not die gasping for her life at our feet!  Today, we grant our lives for her salvation!"

cocked an eyebrow at the preening Archduke: "Your impudence, Sir, is just exceeded by your malodorous!" Damn the consequences- winter is good for artillery.


faced the charging water buffalo, the deadly beast coming at him like a freight train.  Finally, a real test for his new telekinetic abilities.

spat at Soapy Sam- "You're a consarned, four-flushing claim-jumper, Sam! I'm a-gitting my double-ought, and for lunch you can 'spect a belly full of lead!"


fired the rockets, sending the X-1 shaking in the blue, the mach reading at .96, .97, .98, the gauge cracking, the shudder in his bones, only the stars beyond.

bethought himself the hardy Hygelac-thane of his boast at evening: up he bounded, grasped firm his foe Grendel, whose fingers cracked.


, holding the sceptre of the mighty Space League power, turned to his Electron Ship crew and gave the order: "Starship Commander, Stop the Flow of Time!"

brushed the ice from his beard, cresting the ridge. He and the Sherpas looked down the misty valley, somewhat amazed at Shangrila's lesser twin, Prettygoodgrila


wheeled the Maserati, engine screaming, tires smoking. Gunfire from the Mercedes went wild, exploding the chlorine factory. Now to Zurich, the "package" intact.

rode a Bactrian camel across the Arabian desert, past trades roads dispersing to Palmyra, Samarkland, and Shiraz, only to board ship and cross the Bab el Madeb.


raised his furrowed sword to the villainous Lascar Pirates who in desperate greed had boarded the treasure-laden dhow, smiting them each in terrible silence.

declined the Sultan's gift: Island of Al-Baka-Sar, 53 servants,  the great Sapphire of Sudan.  "A ham sandwich, freedom for lovely Ibtihaj of N'Djamen!" "Ham?"

leads the priest of each village up to the idol, and says he must sit there and judge the people, and if anything goes wrong he is to be shot.

,resplendent in the ancient vestment and orb, ordered the shaman to free the sacrifices and send to the scattered people the tribute of the outsiders.


stopped the piano, taunting Lady Astor: "I'd say one Yankee 'Charleston' is worth a half dozen dreary 'Pomp and Circumstances!' Oh, you kid! 23 Ski-DOO!!"

faced the growling maw of the enormous grizzly bear, armed only, ironically, with a stick of moose jerky.

eyed a galleon limping for port. "Send a runner, Aflonoso!  She's laden with spice; I claim her cargo as Marcovaldo's debt to me! That or his spleen!"

stared down the Cosmonaut: ""Demetri! Ox Tank B  is venting out to effin' Pluto! The ship is shorting out like a midget beauty pageant! NOT time for crapski!""


crested the ridge, unslinging the Winchester, peering across the valley to a Turkman fortress.  A bullet took his horse, the report echoing in lonely terror.

fought on with the scuba knife, the giant squid biting a small hole in the air hose just as he heard the Russian Sub Smolensk open her atomic torpedo doors.

would not let it stand unchallenged.  "Sartre, I reject your premise, as WELL as Malraux's. Also, I am compelled to inform you that I'm seeing Simone."

said "Bearers! You are dismissed! From here on is the land of the Foiokanatoo. Your very heads would prove but fine broth; yet I hold the Idol,and so press on!"

kept a foot on the plummeting Space Shuttle wheel and inserted a trach tube into Jones' neck, trusting his gum to hold the heat tile as fire licked the windows.

hacked away the vine. Behind, huge ruby eyes glowing, sat the stone face of their god, Tonaanatu, and his rival, Dr. DeChuse, impaled on granite teeth.


sent men up the foremast, spiraling madly in freezing spray. Creeping the icy spar, securing a stay, one fell. The Horn will not give herself without seduction.

, breaking through the fragrant undergrowth, faced yet another rabid tiger, this time with only the half a pencil left over from the last one.

screamed at the builders: "You destroy the work of an artist! My will IS this vision!" Murrendo, the cement guy, thought a new 7-11 store didn't really count.

held his finger on the pin on the grenade as Hemmingway ducked. "Silence. It is a patrol, nothing more. Let them pass- they shall have nothing to report."


,commanding the Barbarian hoardes,his armor clanking, marched up to Pious and John,and cut off Pious's head. As it rolled, he pointed to John: "Now, you Pope!"

yelled "Speed! The cliff is there- the glider needs 50!"But the tank driver bailed, ropes yet binding the plane. He sawed furiously, Doom introducing itself.


stood before the gathered physicists. ""It's too late and this asteroid is too heavy. We'll need super-astronauts and more A-bombs than bimbos at a car show. ""

put the siren on the '68 Fastback Mustang. He cursed- yet another gun-blazing high-speed hill chase in San Francisco, and he'd just fixed the shocks.


batted out the fire on his racing leathers, leaving the Buell's wreckage behind him. His  Ducati, afire but screaming smooth, was just 5 seconds from the line.

parried the Archduke's sword-thrust with a minor portrait by Van Eyck, oil on an oak board, smashing one aristocrat's face with another.

entered the missile code. "Dahling," said Elyssia, "how can I persuade you to not destroy Dr. Opterix?""Baby, next he'll be greeting jokers at Hell's Wal-Mart."

sharpened the perfectly-crafted black #6H Tombow pencil to a fine hard point. He had prepared. The rabid Tiger wasn't crashing through the jungle for tea.

approached the unexploded hydrogen bomb, and, examining it carefully,  dug out his Swiss Army Knife. Now, a dilemma: tweezers, awl, or corkscrew?

struck, the tiger enraged with the pencil wound, and distracted the rampaging Elephants by throwing the pile of used mufflers at them. He hated San Jose.

fended off the marauding android army with a simple screensaver.

struggled furiously with the canvas, hurling brushes, reworking endlessly, staring for hours as if to an undiscovered world. Wait a minute. I actually DO that.

, breaking through the fragrant undergrowth, faced yet another rabid tiger, this time with only the half a pencil left over from the last one.

exited his Seattle apartment only to surprise a marauding band of polar bears, who pounced immediately,only to be stunned by the deftly wielded Dell laptop.

fought to the rear of the rail car, grasping Toshi by the hand as she dangled high above the street. Godzilla, already dangerous, hated public transit.

took a breath. Negotiations like these exact a certain toll.  "Alright, Ghenghis, 2500 concubines and 500 ships. But the Zorastrians and the University remain."

whipped the Bugati Veyron past 200, 225, 240 mph. The black road stretched into a sword-edge, death waiting each side. This time, the Post Office would be open.

swam back, startled; the desperate Canadian diver had pulled a knife. 400 feet under the Arctic Ocean, the deadly International war for the North Pole began.

blasted the menacing radium-powered Bear-Bot with the Gamma-Disintegrator. Nothing happened, except that its fur fell off.

lowered a 2nd rope down K2 to the dangling, smoldering helicopter, yelling "Grab!" Line 1 broke as Selma Hayek seized the 2nd; the wreck tumbled ever down.

gripped the parachute cord, a record jump at the edge of outer space. But he was being followed. And the antennae on their heads said they weren't from Canada.

answered Rose: ""Good to be with you Charlie; that's why I've directed the Bollenbach Fund For Good to immediately send in armed parachute-deployed nurse teams.""

,speaking conversational whale, leaned over the boat's gunwhale and tried to talk the huge, suicidal Blue down, or rather, up and off the beach.

squinted against the furnace of the sun. The camel's rot tortured him. Across the running sand, blue shimmered: the coast and salvation, or delusion and death?

fought his way through the desperate crowd that clamored for the last train out of Paris.  Isla did not come. Sam urged him on.

urged the grey horse along the deadly pass through the Urals, saddlebags bursting with the hoarde of rubies, fatigued, one hand on the Navy Colt.

fired again. And again.  Four boxes of .300 ammo - useless on the great African beasts . He had counted on water buffalo. But not robot water buffalo.

nearly stalled the Sopwith Camel, engine spitting, snapping right with the turn, the Fokker shooting past: an old trick.  Only then did he see the red wings.

stamped the Viennese Embassy's floor as the imcomprable Countess Sophia wrapped her leg behind him, eye to eye. Screw the Waltz, Herr Pops, this is the Tango!

, completing the great Henge, had truly honored the gods. Now, it was time for the sacrifice. Purified, blessed, and unafraid, the hamster had been chosen.

reckoned the old varmint would hole up in Muddy Creek.  He saddled up with a bottle of rye. No sense shooting Jeb over the new school marm.

took a long drag on the pipe. "We watched from the gig, watching our ship drive herself into the rocks. Our hearts skip. Empty of crew, she cleared the Horn!"

walking his war steed over the final hill before the Levant, and espying the lay of it, immediately regretted joining the Crusades.

,deep in the Ecaudorian jungle, turned toward the bizzare sounds that followed his every step. So it was true- Giant Land Octopuses, each with 8 hand grenades.

gave the alien invaders another blast from the atomic flame thrower, but while wisps of white smoke rose from their uppermost attenae, it did nothing to dissuade them; quite the opposite. He watched in horror as they disrobed and began to sauna in the neutron rays!

clawed through the tangle of green thicket, hacking his way with the furrowed viking blade, the sap dripping down the mottled steel over the dried blood of Ingvar, tyrant of the Yrskillyrrl Fjord, who met Hel and her domain not 2 days march away. Loki howled with laughter.

The Emperor gazed lately on my life's work, the plunging oak submersible boat. His countenance betrayed only boredom. But now, as we pulled sealed oars, sliding unseen beneath the bridges of Paris, I would have my revenge, convincing as I had Josephine to abandon Napoleon and join me in the marvelous underwater device, seduced by the kingdom of Neptune in direct sight of her widening brown eyes.

I espied the desert sea, shimmering with the curved blades of marauding Berbers, mounted all on fine horses, resplendent in black against the sand. That the bellicose attention of this army was directed toward myself, secured as I was in the small, ancient hill fort, my wound bandaged in linen from the dead spice merchant, and counting the last of my Henry rifle cartridges, did not subtract from my estimation.

While the haggard, pleading look of the once-prosperous gentleman betokened no small measure of concern on my part, the small, intricate silver box was a saint's bargain at 3 shillings 6.  At the touch of coin, his visage changed, a wave of relief passing his jaundiced face, and he scurried away into the Vienna streets.  Opening the box, a curious gold skull set with a massive ruby gleamed, quite stealing my breath.

Outside our upturned lifeboat, it was blue silence cased in iciest crystal, broken but slightly by our oil lamp warmth under seal furs, one yellow dot in all Antarctica. Sleeping fitfully, again did I dream Gwendolyn, vivid as my own breath, and though in my bewitched mind t'was her perfect burgundy lips spoke the words, it was not she who woke me with a fresh despair: "That's it, Skipper, last of the penguin meat."

Hacking away the water vines, we burst upon the clearing whose light so entranced our party, and, indeed, the blazing sun after the dank green of the jungle blinded us. I took off my pith helmet and wiped my brow. Miss Wilson shaded her eyes with trim hands calloused from unaccustomed use of the machete. She shrieked. Astonishing! Here was Col. Bottomfeather, smoking a pipe. But only his head!

peered through the   moonlight into the  abandoned cabin, fingers clutching the .45 Navy Colt.   Inside: the  rusty wood stove, a wrecked kitchen, an old matress covered   in blood.  But he glimpsed- something. Gigantic, furry, impeccably  dressed  in  white gloves and diplomatic sash: Vampire Sasquatch!

"God's Blood! It IS Scott!" I yelled, poking the icy corpse with a stick brought for the purpose. "His expedition failed here!" Then a cry from Lt. McShock:  "Commander, the blizzard! We must leave now!" And tarry we could not - there was not another working petrol blimp for 12,000 miles.

loaded the huge pistol, staring at the rogue Soviet submarine skipper from his sailboat, rolling heavily alongside in the cutting wind.  "Nice boat there, Komandir," he said, "'you got your big ugly crew, your atomic torpedos. But here's a parachute flare aimed right between your eyes:  this Panda, Komrade, is leaving with me!"

finished the knot. 16 hot jungle hours built a flimsy vine bridge over the raging Mkbomno-(click!)-zizu creek 500 feet below, swollen with sulphuric acid from the volcano's runoff. Tendering a toe, he found the lines firm, glancing down to the slightly dissolving crocodiles distracted by Dr. vanHortz's body. Satisified, he waved his hand, luring the nervous pack elephants forward.

eyes narrowing, hidden by the Sacred Oak, nocked an arrow onto the Great Bow, aiming for the breastplate of the General Interferious, scouting like a fool alone on horseback. Suddenly, the beautiful Aethelgifu leapt from the tree onto the Roman's horse, unsheathing her ancient bronze blade and scoring the gurgling invader's throat! Good woman, that!

, in the shadow of the Urals, was stared at by the belligerent, encircling Cossacks, who spat and looked for weakness. But he put his hands on his hips and laughed. They tensed, hands to their swords, axes, and matchlocks.  He said, "Hrytsko, My good friend, I have brought you a City of Joy!," and pulled the cover from the ox-cart with flourish, revealing barrel after barrel of the Tsar's own vodka.