Das Angst-Jökens: Fear of a Bear Planet

#16. Fear of a Bear Planet.  One day a hunter goes deep into the Alaskan Bush hunting for bears. Carefully prepared with a high-powered rifle, .44 revolver, a big knife and pepper spray, he confidently scours the landscape looking for an impressive Coastal Brown Bear for a trophy. Losing the trail, he gets tangled in a dense thicket of alders, and getting increasingly panicky, stumbles and drops his gun, falling into a clearing where a huge, ferocious-looking brown bear is reading some papers. The bear, interuppted in the complicated task of  preparing his taxes, looks up angrily. The bear puts his calculator down and moves toward the fallen hunter like a giant furry boulder with 6 inch teeth and giant claws, growling.  The hunter tries to reach for his pistol, but his arm is broken. The knife has jammed in his leg. But he is just able to reach his pepper spray, and sprays the bear, which only irritates him further. The bear shakes his mighty head and keeps coming, raising himself on his hind legs to his towering height of 9 feet.  The hunter manages to reach his cell phone and says: "Please, Mr. Bear, just let me call my wife and say goodbye."  The bear raises his powerful claws and goes: "F---  you and your martyr complex!"

#17. Cultural Transgression.  A carrot and an onion are sitting in bowl waiting to be sliced up and dropped into a big boiling pot of beef stew. The onion turns to the carrot and goes: "I've always loved you."

#18. Styvyk, Ng, and Jones, Attorneys.   A man goes to ask about his terminal disease. He says, "Doc, how long have I got to live?"  Hearing nothing and seeing people staring at him, he asks again. "You can tell me Doc, how long do I have to live?" Silence. Assuming the worst, the man begs and pleads for some kind of answer.  But there is nothing, only more stares.  He leaves, shattered, suffering total fear and dread. The Doctor, wondering where his patient is, realizes he neglected to tell the man that his symptoms include total disorientation.

#19. Cabo San Lucas. A cowboy, the Pope and a robot had been enjoying a vacation together in sunny Mexico.  Then the robot takes the cowboy aside and tells him something with his robot accent.  Horrified, the cowboy turns to the robot and goes: "but why would he protect all those pedophiles?"

#20. Desperate Love. A group of young women are gossiping about a handsome, well-off bachelor who just moved into the neighborhood. "Do you think he likes me?," says one girl, the prettiest of the group. And her friend goes: "Yes, he finds you very attractive. It is his own company he finds to be loathesome and ugly, even repugnant."