July 18, 2012

Shell: No 1 4 U but Me, Earth!

Turns out the Shell Social Let's GO! social media campaign was a Greenpeace Prank. Genius.

However, the line between merciless satire and reality is razor thin. This is the *lead* sentence from the *real* Shell page on their commitment to the environment in Alaska: http://bit.ly/Nw8XZJ

"There are many examples that demonstrate our dedication to protecting the environment. For example, Shell banned the use of Styrofoam cups onboard any Alaska operating company owned or contracted vessel in order to assure cups do not blow into the water."

Well, paint my head blue and call me Moses!! That's dedication to the earth! Why, when Greyfriars Bobby stayed at his master's grave for 14 years, that wasn't dedication, that was some flitting fey flibbertigibbetry compared to Shell's intense, unshakable, dedicated love of the earth! By banning styrofoam cups from their ships- just the Alaska ships- why Achilleus and Patroclus in the dusty battlefields of Troy were a couple of middle-schoolers assigned to a science class baking soda volcano team compared to Oil Giant Shell's love of the earth, Oh Earth! with her rolling, white, ice-covered oceans just calling to be drilled, even if it keeps saying "no no no." Shell knows what Earth really wants.

For as we all know, according to company-funded studies, styrofoam cups flying half-full of coffee from the hands of hapless, wind-whipped Alaska sailors are the primary cause of climate adjustments, sea-level rise and Snooki's last three novels because those dozens of styrofoam cups are clogging up the earth's chi like the Exxon Valdez in a Trader Joe's parking space. So get down on your knees, chumps, and thank the bright heavens for Shell Corporation, a truly dedicated and loving corporation. Look, see? how it courageously refused Al Gore's demands that they throw more styrofoam coffee and even hot chocolate cups over the side? That's because, come hell, drought, high water, melting ice caps, drowning cities, collapsing ecosystems, and bloody resource wars, Shell loves the earth, really really loves it, loves it so much no one else can ever have it ever, and if it ever sees the Earth with someone else, Shell will track Earth down wherever she tries to run, because that's just how dedicated Shell is, and when it follows Earth around everywhere she goes, cruising in a ship late at night and drunk-texting "No 1 4 U but me, Bitch!," we all know that really means that Shell will never ever leave you Earth, never ever.

That's dedication to the environment.