August 23, 2012

Mitt Romney August 2012 SuperJokes

Mitt Romney...
  1.  likes lemurs.
  2.  is like the Ken Doll that somehow made your father cry.
  3. moves men to be as little than they can be. 
  4. Thinks food stamps are the stamped food that poor people eat.
  5. is entirely unaware of sporks. 
  6. believes woman's place is in the home, helping out the other women. 
  7. is paid 300,000 times as much as you, because he's just that much better than you.
  8. smells a lot like a Bed, Bath and Beyond. 
  9. is secretly terrified of lemurs.
  10. believes we are all created in the image of God: a white man, in a sensible tie and pressed, tailored jeans.
  11. never met an opinion he didn't like.
  12. can take America back into the ditch. 
  13. just hates it when his jet is dusty! Am I right, people?
  14. thinks the Internet is the future of AOL. 
  15. believes in the principle of power without principles. 
  16. is kind of obsessed by lemurs. 
  17. thinks "control freak" is racist. 
  18. Romney's secret to saving the Olympics?  Luge Porn. 
  19. Strongly believes in the most important values that every American  holds deep in themselves, that are about those things, those incredible things, that make us all who were and who we hope to be in the most American America we can make out of this America, our American America, with our really deep American values that are about holding American's close to our hearts in America, and away from non-American American values which are happening in America in the less American parts of America made less American by Americans who want to apologize for America, right now, so our patriotic is to Americanize American America for all the real American Americans and all the Americans around the world who can't come here. Like Free Enterprise. Which IS people, my friend.
  20. right now, is just kicking back, daydreaming about Paul Ryan.
  21. just had a caviar faucet installed.
  22. has micro-butlers.
  23. asked for some Grey Poupon, bought the company, bankrupted them, and sold the assets to French's for a tidy profit.
  24. knows that Ann is right, and the yacht in San Diego probably needs a new stables.
  25. Is a great guy to sit down and bankrupt a beer factory with. 
  26. Knows exactly what the price of a gallon of milk will be when he corners the market on milk. 
  27. As a hilarious college prank, once strangled a hobo and made everyone laugh.
  28. Is on the side of the working man.  Behind, specifically, making sure he doesn't cause trouble as he vacates the premises.
  29. Sent his all his kids to Bilderberg Middle School. 
  30. Monograms his Q-tips. 
  31. Thinks Miracle Whip is a sacred Vatican relic. 
  32. Looks in the mirror, and sometimes, he sees a lemur: a happy, carefree lemur. 
  33. makes George F. Will look like Nicki Minaj.
  34. Is getting over his habit of, upon meeting them, asking women whether they are fertile. 
  35. Hunts pre-shot deer.
  36. Waxes his car with Pâté de Foie Gras.
  37. Makes sincere outreach efforts to WASPs. 
  38. Has a golf cart for driving around his limo.
  39. When dining out with friends, always picks up the berating of the waitress. 
Also, and not that there is anything wrong with this, we would like to apologize presumptively and profusely for the following....
 

1 Comments:

Blogger Charles Wohlforth said...

Genius. Sea Lord should be doing this for money.

August 24, 2012 at 12:00 AM  

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