Best of Today's Urgent Headlines Today: Set Your Timeback Unit to the 1st Half of 2005

LATEST REPORT: Run!

Declining World Frog Population Cutting Down on Magical Royal Marriages

View of Young Woman's Impressive Decolletage Ruined by Inexpensive Christian Jewelry

Best Buy Rebate Obtained

Hiker Fleeing Ferocious Bear Run Over By Cement Mixer

Europe Descends Into Further Pleasantry

AGGRIEVED CLOWN WIDOW SUES TINY TRICYCLE MANUFACTURERS

Cosmonaut Returns to Outlet Mall

Adorable Kittens Determine Flushing Handle is Not Friend

RELIEF AS AMERICAN 737-700 CRASHES GENTLY AND DELICIOUSLY INTO COTTON CANDY FACTORY

Envelope Coveted

History Recap: "Deep Throat" Had Revealed U.S. Secret That Nixon Was a Cynical, Warmongering, Racist Son of a Bitch

Disappointment as 32 Ounce Resealable Bag of Kroger Store Brand "Honey Oat Rings" Proves Full of Angry, Live Bats

OPINION: You Think You Run the Tacoma Best Buy Laptop Accessories Department, But Mister You Have Literally No Idea

LATEST REPORT: Lisa, I Expect the Makita Tools Display to Look Ship-Shape By 4:30

Coming Up on Headlines: How a Simple Cheeseburger Threw Carrot Top Into Despair

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular 7 Embarassed, Injured After Slipping on a Banana and Tumbling Down Stairs, Finally Rolling to a Wobbly Stop Seven Blocks Later in Front of a Tacoma IHOP

FBI Taps Trevor's 'Big-Wheel Ice Cream Gang' As Nation's Top Child Terrorist Concern

Vatican To Step Up Sarcastic Letters to Editor

As a Child Mourns, City Leaders Reflect on Decision to Locate Doggy Day Care Next to Unscrupulous Rendering Plant

Adorable Kitten Scientists Believe That the Reality of Tuna Flavoring Must Imply The Existence of Huge, Delicious Tunas

New 42" HDTV Screen Just Seems to Magnify Low Quality of Writing

SUDDEN MAGMA FLOW TAKES LAST OF THE COLD BEERS

Rumsfeld Insists Styx Cassettes Are An Appropriate Pre-Teen Birthday Gift

National Command Authority Missile Launch Codes Left in Presidential Bicycling Pants

As A Community Mourns, Officials Find Last of 14 Clown Noses in Frozen Banana Cream Pie Factory Vat

Heroic Toddler Saves His Town As Fork in Outlet Sets Fire to Wal Mart

Robots May Lose Robot Vision From Excessive Self-Disagnostic Checks

Fuzzy Bunnies Amazed By Abandoned Day-Pack Full of Carrots

OFFER: Is Ann Coulter Really a Nazi Cunt? Find Out In Minutes With This Simple Hormone Test

Yoda: "Gay is this Jedi."

NORTH KOREA UNVEILS WICKER A-BOMB

Disneyworld Guantanamo Less Than Happiest Place on Earth

Adorable Kitten Snuggling Attempt Goes Awry As Unstable Milkshake on Lap Faulted

Courageous Illinois Teen Breaks "The Dweeb Barrier"

EU OKs UK IOU

U.S. Treasury Secretary Defends Use of Special Mathematical Properties of Parallel Universe 8!A

Adorable Kittens Damage Computer By Accidentally Launching Internet Explorer

Florida Man Allows Carrot in Fridge to Quietly Shrivel Up

GOD TEMPORARILY POPELESS

Beer Ad Campaign Apparently Conceived While Drinking Beer

Accident-Prone Denver Boy Inconsequentially Upsets Large Display of Bags of Marshmellows

Terry Schiavo Urn Clearly Expresses Wish to Live

Tri-Cities Area Communist Party Loses Token Trotskyist to Job at Paint-Ball Arena

Pickles the Border Terrrier Indifferent to Post-Structuralism

Bee Union Busted; Workers Will Return Immediately to Ceaseless Buzzing

Tom Delay Denies Accepting '78 El Camino From Crack Lobby

Dentist Group: Molassses Promotes Tooth Delay 

Mall Security Guard Thrilled to Report Incident

Curious Mole-People Spurn Digital Television

WALMART TO OFFER HEAVILY DISCOUNTED COCK

Walter is Damn Sure Not Going to Leave the Target Food Court Without A Formal Written Request

Opinion: Immigration Makeovers are a Great Way to Welcome These Foreigners

Stock Broker's Wife Collapses on Disappointing Earnings Report

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Creeps Out Other Dude in Hotel Sauna

SCENTED OIL MARKETS DOWN ON DISAPPOINTING MASSAGE THERAPY INDEX

BUSH EXPRESSES GROWING FEAR OF CLOWNS

Suicidal Elephant Tramples Himself 

Telekinetic Boy Accidently Stops Bus With Sudden Need to Use Restroom

Israel "Must Respond Swiftly" to Casserole 

Rumsfeld Continues to Insist Paul McCartney Was Best with "Wings"

Large Hadron Super Collider Condemned By Organization for the Protection of Large Hadrons 

Micheal Jackson Trial To Go Forward While Appearing to Move Backward

Molehill Slated For Expansion

Coming Up on Headlines: The Earth- One More Convienience And the Jig is Up

OPINION: Sometimes It can be Hard to Tell Whether it's Really God or Another Lame Schizophrenic Episode is Talking To You

Adorable Kittens Blame Faulty, Tempting Wiring

In Surprise, John Paul II Rewarded in Heaven with 72 Virgins

Seattle To Destroy Aging Alaska Way Viaduct With Explosive Pent-Up Emotions

LATEST FINDING: Endangered Species Really Love Living Endangerously

CARDINALS PONTIFICATE

Noble Fir Appalled by Proximity to Common Pine

OPINION: How Can any Self-Respecting Video Store Call 6 Beta Copies of Ass Pilots IV an Adult Section?

Chaos as Giant Hershey's Kiss Hot Air Balloon Deflates on Top of Dick Cheney

Man Reconciles Self to Wife's Enormous New Breasts

Candyless Man Partly Assuaged by Lozenge

OPINION: These Outrageous Fuel Prices Are Cutting Into an Average Gas Huffer's Already Limited Budget

World's Frailest Man Fractures Eyelash 

GOP Leaders Laud Pope Plus Reagan for Beating Up Gorbachev in Dark Kiev Alley in 1985, Causing No More Communism

Understandable Error Thrusts Jimmy Dean into Leadership of Democratic National Committee

NEBRASKA REPORTED MISSING

U.S. Postal Service Orders 50 Cent to Increase Himself to 54 Cent as of June 30th

Concerned Bush Vows to Defeat Klingons

Drunk, Smoking, Obese White Lab Rats Turning Up in Nation's Sports Bars

Rumsfeld Warns Iraqis that Star Wars Episode III Will "Undoubtedly Be The Greatest Movie Ever Screened"

Gen. Augusto Pinochet Receives Coupon for Free 1-Topping Pizza With Purchase of A Pizza of Equal or Lesser Value

Lemur Unswayed

Adorable Kittens Mesmerized By Flossing

U.S. Navy Experimenting With 200 HP Female Condom

Commander Numbnuts Sensitive To Coarse Remarks

WALMART HEIR'S BODY BURIED WITH 5000 ASSOCIATES

Paris Hilton Goes Down Like The Bismark

University of Michigan Reports Behavior of Psychology Students Dangerously Over-Studied

Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Centers for Disease Control Are Headed for Your Neighborhood Armed and in Force

IGNORING SCHEDULING REQUESTS, BUSH FINDS UNIBROW REGROWING

Wobbly News Satellite Sends Back Unusually Ambigious Commentary

Wedding DJ Badly Misjudges Audience Desire to Hear Bachman Turner Overdrive

Fooled By Apparent Ease of Chase, Adorable Kittens Stalking Tuna Can

View of Intriguing Uma Thurman Louis Vuitton Ad Partly Obscured By Habernot Systems Mark VI 15,000 Ton Self-Assembling Derrick Crane

Rumsfeld Insists Bob Saget Added Much To America's Funniest Home Videos With Falsetto Commentary

Micheal Jackson Evaporates Into 11th Dimensional Space

Adorable Kittens Suspect Tree Contains Birds

OPINION: No, I Don't Have the Keys, Darling, Maybe They Fell in The Couch While You Were Making Out With That Hideous Alien

Dick Cheney Volunteers for Habit for Inhumanity, Opens New Land Mine Plant

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Target Barnes and Noble Shelves with "Operation Moustache"

Bicycling President Bush Reported Lost in West Dakota

Latest Bear Finding: Cars With Fat People In Them Often Contain More Nachos

Bush Attempt at Root Beer Float Goes Awry As Ice Cream Ball Keeps Turning Over, Resisting Fumbling Attempts At Scooping With Flimsy Plastic Spoon

Opinion: Although I'm Enjoying Your Lap Dancing, Miss, You Don't Necessarily Need to Keeping Slapping Yourself There In Particular

Rebuttal: Don't Tell Me You Don't Love It

Coming Up on Headlines: Your Future Bio-Cybernetic Dog Will Conveniently Pee Carpet Freshener

Goth Chick Forced to Wrap Birthday Present

OPINION: Look, Just Because We Have 5000 Metric Tons of Sarin Doesn't Mean We're Not "People" People

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Feeble, Desperate Clawing at Meaningful Experience is About to Be Professionally Discredited