Best of Today's Urgent Headlines Today, Fall 2004

Elementary School Contemporary Art Project
Recontextualizes Unpopular 3rd Grader

Chocolate Syrup Tanker Strikes Delicious Uncharted Ice Cream Reef

LIBERAL ARTS MAJOR RETURNING FROM ST. JOHN'S COLLEGE DIAGNOSED WITH POST-SOCRATIC STRESS SYNDROME 

Snowy but Kinky Himalayan Village Boasts Abominatrix

Beautiful But Deadly Friday's Waitress Infiltrates Appleby's

Billions of Gallons of Dried Paint Worldwide Await Sanding 

Today's Alarming Headlines Weather Forecast: Magma-y

 Bong-Toting Hippie Mugged By Gang of 3-Toed Amazon Sloths: "It all Happened So Fast."

Adorable Kittens Take Down Ferocious Water Buffalo In Their Dreams

CO-PILOT'S ACHINGLY DULL STORY OF REPEATED WINNEBAGO REPAIRS AT MONTANA R.V. DEALERSHIP BEGINING TO ENDANGER FLIGHT 71
 
Giant Floating Brain From Nebular 7 Talked into Unnecessary New Car Undercoating 

Americans Extremely Divided on Whether America is Extremely Divided 

Proud New Ring Tone Owner is Beaten to Death at Ballet

SENSELESS HIGH SCHOOL FASHION SPREE UNCOOLS 6, OUTMODES 14

Dr. Phil: U.S. Becoming Hated Deliberately To Avoid The Responsibilities of Love

COMING UP ON HEADLINES: How You Can Personally Stop Global Warming, And Why the Mink Oil Lobby Won't Tell You

DONALD RUMSFELD STARES MANY HOURS AT ROMA TOMATO

Superman Pre-Approved 

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fill in Karl Rove's Email on Several Gay Porn Sites

Holiday Argument Not So Much Settled as Drowned with Pie

Ballet Dancers Expresses Remorse for Death of Country Star Toby Keith

Adorable Kittens To Nestle on Labrador


Category 4 Allegory Sweeps Over Holland

Study: Radioactive Stream Pollution Rapidly Evolving Muskrats in Music Industry Executives

ALABAMA AIR NATIONAL GUARD VETS ACCUSE BUSH OF LYING ABOUT 1972 BEER BONG RECORD

Adorable Kittens Carefully Investigate Bathtub

Coming Up on Headlines: That Fed-Ex From Karachi - Is Pakistan Exporting Atomic Weapons Technology to You?
 
Disquiet Waxes as Turned-Off Laptop Just Sits There, Showing No Evidence of Weeks of Hard Work

2 GRAD STUDENTS SLIGHTLY INJURED AS UNIV. OF WASHINGTON APPLIED PHYSICS LABORATORY VAN ROLLS KINETICALLY OFF CLIFF


CITY ATTACKED BY PREPOSTERASAUROUS

Can of Okra Ignored for Months 

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Resolves to Lose That Unsightly Cellulite that Tends to Build Up Around the Cerebellum

Doctors Drain Fluids From Injured Pirate - Get Rum Punch 
 
New Media Artist Pulls Video Installation Out of Ass

Larry the Assertive Lightbulb Refuses To Be Screwed 

No Reports of Injuries as Adorable Kittens Fall Asleep Off Bookcase into Large Soft Pile of Pillows Impressed Judge Agrees Quantum Physicist May or May Not Have Exceeded Time on Parking Meter

Mike Tyson Signs $4000 Deal to Beat the Shit Out of a Chicken

Mountain Top Removal Mining Touted By Coal Industry as Effective Solution to Problem of Excess Numbers of Unsightly Mountain Tops

  Evil Business Manager Proposes Office Final Solutions

 Biotech Futurists Describe Bright Future for Genetically Engineered Futurists

Comedian To Make Observation

GOP Historian Claims Bush is Blithering Genius

Iowa Housewife Stumped by Tomatilla 

Communion Accident Turns Wafers Into Zeus

PRESIDENT CALLS FOR GLOBAL EFFORT TO STOP GLOBAL GLOBING



Saudi Scientist Nearly Discovers Clitoris

OPEC: Oil Being Retooled for Upscale Market

Impressed Judge Agrees Quantum Physicist May or May Not Have Exceeded Time on Parking Meter

Scientists Hope Decoding of Chicken Genome Will Lead to Cure for Lime Marinade

Seahawks Receiver Drops Bus Pass

Balloonhead Economist Expects Deflation

Feeling Too Cheerful? Discuss the Future With A Drunk Biologist

Tucker Carlson Successfully Baited By 7 Year Old Girl at Chuck E. Cheese Mock UN

Private Detective Buddy Gets a Load of Those Gams 

New Pill Surpresses Brain's Tendency to Reject Expensive Prescription Medication

A Movie is Released In Which Attractive People Experience Problems with Both Zombies and Aliens 

 College Paper By President Bush Surfaces; TA's Notes Suggest Madagascar is Pretty Obviously Not in Lake Michigan

DOCTORS HAD PUZZLED OVER HOW TO KEEP JAMES BROWN QUIET DURING PROSTATE EXAM


Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fling Stale Halloween 3 Musketeeers Bar at Pickup with Bush Sticker

Aunt Esmerelda Shoots Son in Law Such a Look

Profitable Tire Installation Company Cheerfully Installs Tire

Donald Rumsfeld Continues to Insist that 'Star Wars: The Phantom Menace' Is Clearly The Best of the Entire 'Star Wars' Series

Zombie Sinatra Smacks Around Some Ghost Punk Who Thinks He's Somebody's Ghost

Asian Outrage Flu May Piss Off Millions
 
Adorable Kittens Angry About New Non-Kitten Specific Cat Food 

Giant Sea Lozenge Terrorizes Esophagus Islands

Study: Millions of Quarters Are Lost in so-called "M & M" Gumball Machines Which Actually Dispense an Inferior, Somewhat Chalky Brand of Coated Chocolate

Anna Nicole Smith Awarded Medal of Questionable Use of Freedom

Rumsfeld Lauds "Incredible Progress" in Iraq, Averaged Over Epoch Since Dawn of Agriculture in Euphrates Valley 9000 Years Ago