August 04, 2017

Killed at the Diner



Here is a full list of Kojak episode titles. I don't know who came up with these, but I think they were going for a "tough" vibe, at least at first.  I include a few annotations, color-coded for your convenience - it's interesting to see the strong start, the battle for the show's soul, and then the tragic descent into effeminate incoherence:
  • "Siege of Terror" - Excellent
  • "Web of Death" - Well done
  • "One for the Morgue" - Very good
  • "Knockover" - Eh
  • "Girl in the River" - That's the old fastball
  • "Requiem for a Cop" - Every show has that one
  • "The Corrupter" - Nah, too abstract
  • "Dark Sunday" - A little better
  • "Conspiracy of Fear" - Now you're talking
  • "Cop in a Cage" - Tell me more!
  • "Marker to a Dead Bookie" - Good
  • "Last Rites for a Dead Priest" - Not tough enough
  • "Death Is Not a Passing Grade" - Better
  • "Die Before They Wake" - Death is always good
  • "Deliver Us Some Evil" - Excellent
  • "Eighteen Hours of Fear" - Now you're back on form
  • "Before the Devil Knows" - Sidney Lumet liked it
  • "Dead on His Feet" - Death is good
  • "Down a Long and Lonely River" - What are you fucking Marlowe?!  I NEED A TITLE!
  •  "Mojo" - Yeah
  • "Therapy in Dynamite" - Extra snacks for you
  • "The Only Way Out" - Good, good
  • "The Chinatown Murders: Part 1" - A little descriptive, but why not
  • "The Chinatown Murders: Part 2" - A little descriptive, but why not
  • "Hush Now, Don't You Die" - Pretty good FOR A CHARLIE'S ANGELS EPISODE.  C'mon.
  • "A Very Deadly Game" - Ok
  • "Wall Street Gunslinger" - You're out of your element.
  • "Slay Ride" - You go to Harvard?
  • "Nursemaid" - We're losing it here people.
  • "You Can't Tell a Hurt Man How to Holler" - What's this a minstrel show?
  • "The Best Judge Money Can Buy" - Well, better than we've been having.
  • "A Souvenir from Atlantic City" - What...?  I got your souvenir right here, a pink slip!
  • "A Killing in the Second House" - That's the stuff.
  • "The Best War in Town" - Much better.
  • "Cross Your Heart and Hope to Die" - Yes
  • "The Betrayal" - Ok, betrayal is good.
  • "Loser Takes All" - Huh, eh why not.
  • "Close Cover Before Killing" - Solid.
  • "Acts of Desperate Men" - Yes, yes.
  • "Queen of the Gypsies" - No, no!
  • "Night of the Piraeus" - Night I killed a screenwriter with a piano wire.
  • "Elegy in an Asphalt Graveyard" - YES [firstbump]
  • "The Goodluck Bomber" - Yeah, yeah, good.
  • "Unwanted Partners" - Oh the Murphy Brown very special episode?
  • "Two-Four-Six for Two Hundred" - I was told there would be no math.
  • "The Trade-Off" - Ew.
  • "I Want to Report a Dream" - I dreamed a pansy was working for me.
  • "A Question of Answers: Part 1" - Arg.
  • "A Question of Answers: Part 2" - Arg, Part 2.
  • "My Brother, My Enemy" - Average
  • "Sweeter Than Life" - Yeah, ok, I kinda like that
  • "Be Careful What You Pray For" - What, now we're doing consumer tips?
  • "Secret Snow, Deadly Snow" - Death is good.
  • "Life, Liberation, and the Pursuit of Death" - Very good.
  • "Out of the Frying Pan…" - Nah
  • "Over the Water" - How about DEATH Over the Water?
  • "The Nicest Guys on the Block" - Nah
  • "No Immunity for Murder" - Good
  • "A Long Way from Times Square" - Nah
  • "Money Back Guarantee" - Nah
  • "A House of Prayer, a Den of Thieves" - Now we're disrespecting the Church?
  • "How Cruel the Frost, How Bright the Stars" - How lame the title
  • "The Forgotten Room" - Oh I hope Miss Marple solves it
  • "On the Edge" - Average
  • "A Wind from Corsica" - I'll allow it
  • "Bad Dude" - There, better
  • "A Grave Too Soon" - Yes, EXCELLENT
  • "The Frame" - Nah
  • "Deadly Innocence" - Ok, kind of a juxtaposition thing
  • "Justice Deferred" - No no no
  • "Both Sides of the Law" - SHE WAS A HOOKER!
  • "Birthday Party" - No
  • "A Summer Madness" - Yes
  • "Law Dance" - I can't even
  • "Out of the Shadows" - guest starring Barnabus Collins?  Fuck shadows.  Shadows suck.
  • "A Need to Know" - Mannix.
  • "An Unfair Trade" - Cannon.
  • "A Hair-Trigger Away" - Gad.
  • "By Silence Betrayed" - The Day the Poet Died
  • "A Shield for Murder: Part 1" - Ok
  • "A Shield for Murder: Part 2" - OK
  • "The Pride and the Princess" - FUCK NO
  • "Black Thorn" - Romance novel shit
  • "Where Do You Go When You Have No Place To Go?" - Who can I turn to when you DON'T FUCKING GET IT?!
  • "Dead Again" - Solid.
  • "The Godson" - What's a Godson?  Was he on Carson?
  • "The Condemned" - Yeah, kinda morbid, ok.
  • "When You Hear the Beep, Drop Dead" - That's cool.
  • "I Was Happy Where I Was" - This used to be a tough show.
  • "Kojak's Days: Part 1" - I'm puking here.
  • "Kojak's Days: Part 2" - Worse
  • "Monkey on a String" - Hey, that's ok, I like that.
  • "Kiss It All Goodbye" - Yeah, that's a Kojak title.
  • "Lady in the Squadroom" - Someone dropping lady pills in the coffee here?
  • "Sister Maria" - Apparently so
  • "Another Gypsy Queen" - Another dead screenwriter.
  • "The Queen of Hearts Is Wild" - This show is so dead.
  • "A Strange Kind of Love" - The dirt is hitting our face
  • "Laid Off" - Is what we will be
  • "Cry for the Kids" - Is what we will do
  • "Once More from Birdland" - With pretty ladies dancing
  • "Caper on a Quiet Street" - Now we're fucking capering
  • "Letters of Death" - Yes, for the love God YES
  • "Tears for All Who Love Her" - Annnd back to The After-School Specials, very nice
  • "The Summer of '69: Part 1" - I can smell the honey shampoo
  • "The Summer of '69: Part 2" - and the dope
  • "Case Without a File" - Episode without a title
  • "I Could Kill My Wife's Lawyer" - Enough with the autobiography, Sid
  • "Justice for All" - It's the fucking Pledge of Allegiance.  Maybe Death for All?
  • "Mouse" - Rat. Poison.
  • "Chain of Custody" - Ok, tough enough, maybe a little too smart, but ok.
  • "The Captain's Brother's Wife" - ...who screwed the French Lieutenant's Woman.  FUCK that noise.
  • "No License to Kill" - No one with a penis tuned in.
  • "The Halls of Terror" - YEAH
  • "May the Horse Be With You" - NO
  • "Photo Must Credit Joe Paxton" - WHAT
  • "60 Miles to Hell" - NOW YOU ARE TALKING
  • "In Full Command" - And we're cancelled, nice working with you Morty.

1 Comments:

Blogger VMM said...

I laughed pretty hard at this.

IMHO: you were totally unfair to 'Slay Ride' -- that's my favorite!

SHE WAS A HOOKER!

August 4, 2017 at 9:38 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home