An objective review of Settlers of Catan

In Settlers of Catan, the granddaddy of hipster board games, several players acquire resources required to construct roads and other stuff, while I get stuck with THE FUCKING SHEEP. EVERY TIME WITH THE FUCKING SHEEP. While everyone else is doing exciting stuff, I’m up to my neck in sheep. Sometimes you can trade in one resource for another, but not sheep, which have NO PURPOSE IN THIS GAME. Sometimes I’ll roll the dice in such a manner that ought to earn me wheat or bricks but NOT THIS TURN, MIKE, BECAUSE THE ROBBER IS ON YOUR SPACE NOW. WHAT THE MEDIEVAL FUCK IS THE ROBBER? I’m sure I’d learn what the robber was if I could HEAR YOU TALKING OVER THE SOUND OF ALL THESE SHEEP.

Fuck the robber. Fuck these sheep. Fuck this cold-brew drinking, clear-glasses-frame-wearing, wretched bullshit mess of a game and everyone who plays it.

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