The American People - Correct, But CATASTROPHICALLY SLOW

New US poll shows record disapproval of Bush's handling of Iraq, rapidly falling approval rating, and a significant majority who think invasion was a mistake.

Dear American People,

I love you, but you are slow. Jessica Simpson slow. Dangerously, tragically slow. Pauly Shore figuring out his mileage slow. January molasses catastrophy slow. Not fast like the melting of the arctic, but slow, overfed cat on top of the laser printer slow. Not medium speed, like cashing in a coupon for $2 off a bottle of Glenfiddich, but slow, like a 400lb bag of elderly hammers getting out of the Cadillac to go into the Casino slow. Not slightly slow, like driving from Dick's Hamburgers to the U District on 45th at 4 pm slow, not somewhat slow, like hearing back from your girlfriend after a rich guy spontaneously offers to fly her to Paris. Not even fairly slow, like waiting for the waffle light to come on, or getting an order in at Denny's on Sunday morning.

No. This is really, really slow. Slow like getting a laptop rebate from Best Buy. Slow like igneous rock being pressed into metamorphic rock by a lazy, easily distracted subcontinental plate. Slow like what happens to George W. Bush's economic council after getting sucked into a black hole. Slow like getting a doctorate in how slow people are.

Slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowww. I wish I could say it's endearing, but because you are so incredibly god-damned motherfathercousinfucking take-me-to-grandma's-and-leave-me-for-two-weeks SLOW, I'm not sure how much longer I'm GOING TO GET TO SAY ANYTHING POLITICAL before the goons are going to rapidly come after me.

I hope Netflix is out of all the movies you like.

Slowly,

First Sea Lord