December 13, 2004

Oh, So THAT's What I've Been Doing Wrong

The disgusted, frustrated, cynical part of me (the small bulge behind my left knee, to be precise) is kinda hoping wacky American Religionauts garner enough power to start criminalizing stuff like adultery, divorce, inter-racial sex, public Freedom kissing, and buying condoms.

Nonsense like this is driving me to distraction. Excerpts below:

CARVILLE: A new federal report says federally-funded sex education programs are telling our children that abortion leads to suicide, that AIDS is transmitted through tears, and that masturbation can result in pregnancy. Do you believe it? Are our tax dollars going to raise a generation of ignorant boobs?
. . .
CARVILLE: One of the things that they teach is, is that you can get pregnant through masturbation. I don't know how to say this, but it's something I have some familiarity with. And I have never gotten pregnant. I have never known anybody to get pregnant through masturbation.
GENEVIEVE WOOD, FAMILY RESEARCH COUNCIL: Well, James, I frankly think it's a waste of time to spend time on this show trying to debate mis -- half-truths, misleading information, which is exactly what the Waxman report is. Let's be clear.
CARVILLE: But you can't get pregnant through masturbation, can you?
WOOD: Well, hold on. Well, hold on. Look, everything in that report that Waxman put out there is taken out of context.
CARVILLE: Right.
WOOD: I have spoken to people who have talked to all the individuals who do those programs in the schools. They say it's -- they are lying about some of the things they say and much of it are mistruths. Waxman has an agenda. Come on. Waxman...
CARVILLE: Can we agree that masturbation does not cause pregnancy, just -- it's simple enough. Yes or no?
WOOD: I'm not going to debate that thing -- no, I'm not talking going to talk -- that's not what this is about. CARVILLE: Well, can you...
WOOD: That's not what this is about. What this is about is a political agenda.
CARVILLE: Why are you going tell kids that they can get -- why do you lie to kids?
WOOD: Why is it, for 30 years, the -- quote, unquote -- "comprehensive sex-ed movement," those who want to pass out condoms in schools, for 30 years, have gotten all the federal dollars? They have had 30 years in the classrooms having their way with our kids. What's happened from that? Sexually transmitted diseases among teenagers have skyrocketed.
CARVILLE: Teenage pregnancies are down. Teenage pregnancies are down. Actually, it's working. I don't know how to tell you this, but it's working.
WOOD: Pregnancies are down.
CARVILLE: Right.
WOOD: But STDs have skyrocketed, which shows you, yes, condoms may help...
CARVILLE: Well, can you catch an STD through masturbation?
WOOD: In some cases, yes. Hold on, James.
CARVILLE: Would you like to teach people not to masturbate? Is that -- what is that, the agenda? You want to teach them that with creationism and all that other nutty stuff you got?
WOOD: I think we ought to be giving our kids the full truth. And for 30 years, the establishment in this country has not been doing that. You've been passing out condoms, saying you're going to be safe.
CARVILLE: So we should lie to them.
WOOD: You've been lying for 30 years.
CARVILLE: We should tell them that condoms can't work and that they can get pregnant through masturbation and all that other goofy stuff?
WOOD: James, well, maybe you don't care about this because you are a man.
CARVILLE: I don't care if they masturbate. They're going to do it anyway, whether I tell them to or not.
WOOD: Maybe you don't care about this because you are a man
....

I'm going to g0 masturbate now. Why don't you guys start planning my baby shower for, say, August. Unless you don't care about this because you're men.

6 Comments:

Blogger Dr. X said...

Careful what you wish for. Remember that time they outlawed liquor?

December 13, 2004 at 4:57 PM  
Blogger First Sea Lord said...

Clearly, certain common STDs, like those resulting from not washing hands after cutting up thai peppers, do not require a partner.

December 13, 2004 at 5:35 PM  
Blogger The Laird of Madrona said...

I don't care that masturbation can transmit STDs and cause pregnancy, because I'm a man. If I were a woman, I probably would like it better if we went back to the good old days of no birth control and chastity belts, regardless of what political agenda men were trying to force on me.

December 13, 2004 at 5:41 PM  
Blogger Dr. X said...

If masturbation caused STDs every man in America would be a syphilitic wretch...wait...

December 13, 2004 at 7:19 PM  
Blogger Undersecretary to the Deputy Commissariat said...

Carville and Wood: stop, stop, stop, stop hurting America.

December 13, 2004 at 8:59 PM  
Blogger The Sum of All Monkeys said...

Hmmm.

If they really want to stop masturbation, STDs & tean pregnancy they should just get vans with big speakers on top.

Every Saturday afternoon they could just cruise around blasting the message "Hey you! Cut that out! Jesus is watching!"

This might work with crime too.

December 13, 2004 at 11:07 PM  

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