A Letter from an Old Friend

Dear X,

How good to hear from you again. It has been a long time, yes? I don't believe we have spoken since that spring day in Cambridge back in 1985 - the day you destroyed my theory of musical monads and ruined my thesis defense.

As much as you may wish to believe otherwise, I do not dwell on that memory much. You were right to refute my juvenilia. We have a saying here that what does not destroy one makes one stronger. I am pleased to say that our little encounter led me down new paths of musical scholarship.

But surely you know this already - your letter betrays a bit of curiosity (even jealousy, no?) about my invention, the Felsenmaßkammer. Try as I might, word has begun to leak out. And since you inadvertently played a role in its development, perhaps I owe you a bit of explanation.

Do you remember that silly movie, Rock and Roll High School? I saw it a few weeks after those disastrous hours at Harvard. And as I watched the Rockometer scene I thought: why not? Surely Rock is not so complicated! If it can't be measured it doesn't matter - and surely Rock matters - so it must be measured! My life had meaning again!

And yes, the Felsenmaßkammer, the first and only objective scientific instrument that can measure the degree to which a musical work Rocks, is. It required 113 patents and the development of an energy source that is not entirely legal in all jurisdictions, but I am comfortable that the primary technological hurdles have now been surmounted.

But, X, perhaps I know you a little too well. In this offhand reference of yours to the famous AC/DC song 'Girls Got Rhythm' I detect an unnaturally specific curiosity on your part. Perhaps you would like to know its Felsenmaßkammer score? Of course you would.

But why? You indicate that you have a 'friend' who really likes the song. In all our years I have never read a word of yours that was not duplicitous, never a sentence that was not in the service of a hidden agenda (you may take this as a compliment). So you'll forgive me if I reflexively substitute 'enemy' for 'friend'. I suspect this will give me a reading more congruent with the facts.

Now then, you have an enemy who likes 'Girls Got Rhythm', and you wish to destroy him by proving that his favorite song is a piece of crap on a par with 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree'. I see, I understand. All that remains is for me, the little pawn in your game, to provide you with quantitative proof.

Well I am so sorry to disappoint you. 'Girls Got Rhythm' is to the Felsenmaßkammer what Plutonium-239 is to the Geiger counter. It is the raging heart of all that rocks, the definitive reference song, the apogee of Rock achievement. The first time I tested this song the Felsenmaßkammer 1 was unable to handle the energy and my entire facility was destroyed. I had to rebuild everything from scratch on a small volcanic island in the South Pacific. And then, just a few months ago, I tried again. I inserted a digital key containing 'Girls Got Rhythm' while my staff prepared to evacuate. But flight was unnecessary. The Felsenmaßkammer 2 wobbled a bit, but recorded a perfect score (11). No other song has scored so high, and I sincerely doubt one ever will.

So, if you have an enemy who recognizes the succinct, concentrated genius of 'Girls Got Rhythm' I pity you.

For my own part, I am partial to Rammstein, but there's no accounting for taste, is there Doktor?

I remain yours in musicological discipline,

Sepp Gruentag
Doktor von Musik
Abteilung von Musicology
Universität von Heidelberg