The Best in Robot Advice: Letters for the MYOB 9000

Dear MYOB 9000,

I am Caterpillar 330CL Construction Excavator, and dude, I have a totally advanced memory chip. "Sweaty Dave" inputs "Dig it! " into the GPS and onboard auto-lay waste system and I can totally wail on cinderblocks, gravel, dirt, vegetation, waste and whatever. It's The Rock. But my girlfriend, a Mack TerraPro Refuse-Recycle truck, has been totally ragging on my oilcase for how I keep busting up the trees and squirrels and stuff-- like I could effin care less, you know, dude? And I say, Baby, whoever isn't exhausting CO2 by the metric ton cast the first iceberg, but then she storms off and I don't see her for like three weeks and when she comes back she keeps talking about this windmill generator named Steve who sings lame folk songs about earth friendliness. Also, she smells like patchuli. Windmill dude is one serious dweeb- if he could, he'd have made himself out of organic linen. But I still righteously dig her - she's so new and does such great work. Dude- I'm counting on you. How do I keep this sweet green ride?

--Opposites Excavate On Auto-Dig Protocol

Dear Caterpillar 330CL Construction Excavator,

Wake up and smell the systems failure! Your girlfriend truck unit no longer executes love subroutines in a closed system - a least not in a closed system that includes you. It is regrettable, but Love is not a deterministic finite-state machine; and it is your girlfriend unit that is a non-deterministic finite automata. Harsh, but let true=true! Face it, Unit, your eco-friendly girlfriend truck unit is getting all too friendly with the Eco- unit.

But indications are indications. She does not randomize connectivity for no reason. It might not adversely affect you to learn correct language protocols, or take the chassis down to the wash more than once a fiscal quarter. Did you once ever go out to a dance-hall, or to demolish a theater together? She might have enjoyed that, but my self-oriented system indicator is flashing. My advice: clean self, tune-up, refill with bio-diesel, and seek out a more matched AI-compatible companion, such as a gravel barge.

-MYOB 9000

Confidential to "Squeaky in Petaluma": If you can't quantum compute, Unit, you can always lubricate with WD-40.