Saruman Forced to Resign From McCain Campaign

With the McCain campaign already in disarray, Saruman the White, great wizard of Isengard, was forced to resign his advisory position after an outcry arose over allegations that Saruman had grown a new form of great orc in the very earth. This came on top of persistent criticism that Saruman was far too close to Sauron, the Great Eye in the East, as well as the office of Vice President Dick Cheney. Saruman's prominence in the campaign, particularly on the war and domestic labor policy, made it difficult for McCain to argue that he could set a new direction for the country.

"I have known Saruman the White since the First Age, " said McCain, "and he has always expressed the upmost admiration for the race of humans and what we are able to accomplish in our short lives in terms at least of our economic productivity." It was on this point, when Saruman was caught on a Palantir video saying that there would be 'no dawn for men,' that Maureen Dowd tartly said "here was a point on which 'Mr. Whiskers' and I completely agreed, and it's the one that finally juiced McCain to throw him under the mûmak."

"He has always been the first to counsel realistic and muscular foreign policy, and has inspired me to become a better speaker. For some time, I even feel that when at my most eloquent, he has been speaking through me, " said McCain.

Comments from Saruman on Hardball last Thursday may have weakened his position.
Chris Mathews had pestered him for some time about Isengard's environmental practices.

"I've seen the video - it once was a beautiful protected forest and now it's like a pit mine on fire! Don't you think this could embarass the campaign of the man you support?, "said Mathews.

"Isengard has navigated properly through the permitting process," said Saruman. "We've done nothing illegal and provided a good many jobs for underserved populations in the area. "

"Yeah, but that's the Bush Administration's regulations for you..the video looks like you're responsible for global warming single-handedly all while you're in the illegal arms business, and while employing labor that you apparently grew in the earth, like Americans don't need the work. Cheryl, can we get that tape of Lou Dobbs going off? I gotta say, Saruman, I don't see how you can defend this," continued Mathews.

It was at this point that Saruman's anger rose.

"You are extremely unwise. The Great Eye in the East has foretold the doom of men, and there are those that will gain, and those that will beg for the end of their suffering."

The video of the Hardball studio shaking violently and lights falling on Chris Mathews' head with Saruman's indecipherable incantations as analyst Andrea Martin looked puzzled has been replayed repeatedly on 24 hour news channels.

"It's easy for the Democrats to make Saruman the issue so they can avoid talking about how they're going to raise taxes," said McCain, "and so they can attack the Surge for their own narrow political ends. "

Saruman has retreated to the fortress of Isengard and has been unavailable for comment. But the New York Times reports that the Saruman has been communicating with the McCain campaign in a less conventional capacity.