The Large Hadron Collider: First Results

The Large Hadron Collider has been up and running since yesterday. What are the early results?


1. The "God" particle has not yet been found. But a new particle, the "Jesus" particle, has been discovered and is zipping around making outrageous claims.

2. Early experiments with "Dark Matter" prove it is made of either "Goth Matter" or "Emo Matter. "

3. Even direct blast from puny proton beam cannot stop Mighty Stephen Hawking.

4. The 15 or 20 small black holes acccidently created so far are safely stored in the cafeteria's freezer.

5. Physicists on the Swiss side keep gumming up the neutron gizmo with the gooey chocolate on their hands.

6. Three seconds after the Big Bang- a collosal plasma of exploding space time. Thirty minutes before: Taco Bell.

7. Protons accelerated at each at near-light speed reveal secrets of the universe. Croutons accelerated to similar speeds release olive oil and a hint of rosemary.

8. Scientists immediate used the Large Hadron Collider to confirm that you can turn on a Large Hadron Collider.

9. Younger graduate students seem to enjoy saying "magnetron" a lot.

10. Much to everyone's surprise, several of the first tests confirmed that Adam and Eve had pet dinosaurs.