Other Hazards Of the Large Hadron Collider

The Large Hadron collider may be the most enormous. scientifically ambitious and expensive endeavor in history of human beings looking for something to do. And as of today, there is now a non-zero rather than a zero chance that the Large Hadron Collider will create a pinata of tiny black holes that gobble up us. There is a similar chance I'm going out with Scarlett Johanson tomorrow night.

What are the other risks of turning on this enormous particle accelerator intended to understand the building blocks of the universe?

- There is a 0.006% chance that it will replace every instance of the letter "c" with the letter "k, " or sometimes, "ti."

- Whimiscal scientists who might attempt accelerating Skittles to near light speeds risk the destruction of the Big Rock Candy Mountain theory.

- If it works, everyone will want one. Then, it will no longer be "cool."

- Sociologists have calculated that even with the impressive Large Hadon Collider, the average particle physicist will have a 1 in 782 chance of getting laid tonight.

- There is a 97 % chance Sarah Palin thinks it was built to discredit the Bible.

- If extra dimensions are discovered, the risk of student loan officers following us into these new dimensions will rise exponentially.

- There is a 64% of finding the God particle, and if successful, particle worship may become a threat to society, as legions of worshipers follow every utterance of the God particle Pope, Neil DeGrasse.

- If completely successful, and the universe becomes understood, there is a 73% chance everyone will just totally freak out.

- Jealousy and stress among scientists at other, lesser particle accelerators will lay waste to the profession with a series of premature heart attacks and strokes.

- There is a 100% chance it will be opposed by the Society for the Protection of Large Hadrons.