What I'm Personally Doing to Alleviate the Crisis in World Financial Markets

1. Release dozens of dollars in emergency loans to my friend for beer money.

2. Create a new derivative financial instrument: Robot prices tied to Whiskey futures adjusted by the likelyhood that Rose McGowan will call back.

3. Buy out Washington Mutual with my own account deposit guarantee from the FDIC.

4. By way of providing bad investment disincentives, institute harsh derision and personal mockery of business majors.

5. Monetizing my Monet.

6. Set up a Commission of leading financial leaders to investigate what when wrong by having them ask each other.

7. Go to the Cayman Islands. Create influential hippie commune.

8. Walk around neighborhood. Tear down "For Sale" signs.

9. Goodbye 401(k). Hello, quality collectible Star Wars plates.

10. Drive around looking for very expensive cars: follow them while yelling, throwing beer cans and honking the horn.