Uncle Ick’s Top 17 Sci-fi/Fantasy Movies for One-Nutted Guys on Percoset and the Women Who Love Them.

These movies are some of my favorites. They require a certain altered mindset and a diminished sense of expectation. There’s not an “English Patient” in the bunch. Most of the films are from the 1970s and 80s. They can’t be taken seriously by ordinary film standards. Few of them get more than 4 or 5 out of 10 stars.

But these are important films. They are the films I would most want to see as a teenager, sick and home from school. Most of them have female nudity, cheesy dialogue, outdated costumes and female nudity. This list was hurriedly put together considering that our fallen comrade will soon need mild, easy-going entertainment where focus and thoughtfulness are not paramount. They are true classics in my book. But my book has a lot of beer and Cheetos stains on it.

So for those with one nut, a bottle full of Percocet and a comfy couch get out your Netflix registration and give these a try:

17) THX1138
This is George Lucas’ masterpiece (could there be any other?). The move, starring Robert Duval tells the story of a society gone wrong, run from the top down by computers and robots. It gets extra marks for its originality. My favorite scene is when the robotic policemen malfunction and keep walking into walls while exclaiming something like “Excuse me citizen”.

16) Soylent Green
This movie has everything, unemployment, starvation, poverty and Charlton Hesten. My favorite scene, well, that would give the movie away. It is the scene when they find out what Soylent Green is made of!

15) They Live
What would my top ten list be without an appearance from Rowdy Roddy Piper? “Nothing” I say. That is why this is the first of two submissions from this fine actor. Adapted and directed by John Carpenter, this move finds Piper as a lost, drifter in LA who finds a pair of sunglasses that allow him to see alien invaders disguised among the normal population. The movie really works as a short story and it is one of the few on this list that is fun to watch even without inebriates.

14) Screamers
I love Peter Weller’s acting and it fits right in with this Post-Robocop production about a mining outpost caught in the midst of a galactic war. The title refers to these little, intelligent, robotic mines that are attracted by movement. They are kind of a cross between a metal tennis ball and a chainsaw. Perhaps not the first image I like to conjure for anyone who has recently had testicle surgery.

13) Galaxy of Terror
Remember Joanie from Happy Days? What ever happened to her? Apparently she crash landed on an alien planet infested with woman-raping worms. Get your popcorn ready!

12) Hell Comes to Frogtown
My favorite Rody Piper movie. Piper plays one of the only survivors of an atomic holocaust who actually still has live sperm. Again, there seems to be a theme here. Anyway, everyone is aiming to get Piper’s sperm and hilarity ensues.

11) Robocop
This one is just for the Laird because I know he loves the gun movies. Yes he has seen it, but he should see it again, and this time heavily medicated.

10) Death Stalker II
Obviously Conan was a bad Rip off of “Death Stalker”. Skip the really crappy DeathStalker I, II, and IV. I think you will be able to pick up the plot ok.

9) Cherry2000
Man meets woman. Woman is robot. Man breaks woman/robot. Man searches apocalyptic wasteland for new robot/woman. He also meets Melanie Griffith, a bounty hunter with an awesome Ford Mustang.

8) Dark Star
See John Carpenter’s first work with Dan O’Bannon. Then watch Alien Director’s cut with the interview with a grandpa-looking O’bannon. Man he’s getting old!

7) A Boy and His Dog
Don Johnson (Miami Vice) loves his dog, food and women in that order. This is another post-apocalyptic comedy/sci-fi movie with a great cast and several twists.

6) Logan’s Run
In this soon to be remade movie, we find a Utopian society that keeps itself young and vibrant by killing off everyone over 30. This seems fine to “oldie Executioner” Michael York until he reaches the age of 30. Now he must escape for face the "Carousel”….OF Death!

5) Wizards
Some would say this animated submission created by Ralph Bakshi has not aged well. Is say “nay”. It is still a work of art using a “negative painting” technique that died an ugly death. This still has one of the best endings of any film ever made. Revisit it for the first time!

4) Beastmaster
My brother reportedly roomed with the Beastmaster when they were both struggling artists in New York. This mix of Fantasy/Animal Planet ads cute rodents to this sword and sorcery THRILLER. According to one movie trivia site, the black tiger in this movie was died black for the role. You can see his disgruntled affect throughout his scenes.

3) Night of the Comet
One night this comet zooms over the earth turning anyone not sleeping in a metal, lined box into a zombie. This leaves 2 high school bimbos as the stars of the movie. Special extra credit if you can spot “Chakotay” from Star Trek Voyager as the bimbo’s love interest. It also stars Mary Wornov from “Eating Raoul” and “Rock and Roll High school”.

2) The Omega Man
“The Last Man on Earth is Not Alone”. Robert Neville (Charlton Heston) takes an experimental vaccine and is the only survivor of an apocalyptic war waged with biological weapons. This also has a nice guest appearance by the crazy motorcycle gang leader “Matthias” from “Mad Max”.

1) Zardoz
OK, picture Sean Connery. Now picture Sean Connery in an orange speedo thingy preying to an ancient floating skull, spaceship thingy. He goes into the spaceship thingy to kill this priest or something and then gets captured and taken to the scantily clad planet of the keepers of the skull thingy. Then the THC kicks in and I forget the rest of the plot….but it is memorable for its pure weirdness. When this movie came out, they expected it to be a blockbuster, however somehow it flopped. It was directed by John Boorman, just after he hit it big with “Deliverance”. Many will recognize his son, Charlie Boorman from the Long Way Around Series.

I am not sure whether the Laird will like any of the movies on this list, but he'll probably like the list and you can't beat Roddy Piper with a stick.

Feel free to add our own or interject.