Bio Blub #4

For the Corresponding Secretary's Latest Collection, The White Girl Is On the Move

Unusual for a world-renowned American author, Ms. Secretary has read even more books than she has written. And indeed, she is prolific. In some airports, bookstores carry only her books. Interestingly, these works are Utah's sole economic export.

In a now legendary incident, Gore Vidal once wryly remarked that she "makes Steven King look like Harper Lee." Ms. Secretary retorted at Vanity Fair event that if Vidal "keeps being this wry he'll be toast. " Later, charges of assault leveled against her by Mr. Vidal were dismissed due to the last minute recanting of the victim's statement.

Her family had some hard times. Raised in a christmas wrapping tent by the side of the road with 38 siblings, they subsisted mostly on donated leaves with occassional cannibalism on Thanksgiving. After once finding a lipstick case, she wrote her first 800 page work, " I Looked Up And Saw Santa Claus," a sentimental work of home life written literally on her sisters Mae, Jenny, Lilly-Mae, Candy-Mae, Soda-Mae, and her favorite sister, I Ain't Filling Out No Goddamn Government Paperwork Again.

The scholarship to Oxford, arranged by her first husband, a back-alley podiatrist, set her up with a meeting with King Lombatu of the Ivory Coast, who was so charmed that he misappropriated the entire year's public health budget to fly her to Manhattan for that fateful meeting at the New Yorker, the subject of her first blockbuster essay, "I Don't Get It."

Her many novels in English include "Loathing Austria, " "Shoe Seam Serenade", "Potty-Mouth of the Last Frontier," "Interests Among Emma," "A Minute of Your Divinity," "The Vulgar Boatmen," "A Coal Miner's Daughters' Bat Mitzvah, " and a horror novel, "The Seedling;" biographies including ""Steven Fry in the Ointment," and a collection of 15890 Poems, "An emotion doth rise anew/ as a layered onion in beef stew."

This collection of her most recent 57 novels and 1692 short stories is now available on audio cassette, recorded by the actress Lauren Bacall 7 hours a day between the years 1983 and 2008.