Suggest Customer Service Letter

Suggested Form Letter:

"Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a longtime customer with a vast trust fund, truly reckless spending habits, and many hundreds of similar friends with retail OCD.

PLEASE INSERT CIRCUMSTANCES

Needless to say, although I am presently engaged in saying it, I am outraged. My outrage is like a distant quasar, the most luminous object in the Universe, consuming and ejecting 1000 solar masses of energy every year. And my law firm, which I maintain for recreational purposes, has nothing to do this summer- they're hanging around the whiskey bar right now looking bored.

What would you do in my position? If I treated my customers this way in Russia in 1647, I would have been shot by Cossacks.

But I am not unreasonable. If my anger is a radiating quasar, my gratitude is an ever-expanding retail universe of profligacy. I need not press upon you the value of a customer who mails you a letter such as this, written on Egyptian linen paper in ruby-paste ink, delivered in a train of three Bugatti Verons by my retinue of armed supermodels with father issues.

Unstably,

&C &C