Das Angst-Jökens: A Tautology of Hilarious Comedy

A Tautology of Hilarious Comedy:  An Angst-Jöken writer guy writes a self-referential joke. As a joke, it is a failure, as is the Self to which was referred. He succeeds only in that he himself is a joke. Naturally, there is no laughter.

Flaps. Two pilots from a cultural identity often regarded as being of limited intelligence steer their aircraft toward a runway. The Pilot goes: "My goodness, that runway is short! Quick, 25% flaps!" The Co-Pilot executes the manouever as the pilot desperately tries to cut speed. They come closer and descend fast.  "It is even shorter that I thought! 50% Flaps now!" cries the Pilot, snaking the jet, full of jostled passengers, while the Co-Pilot hits the flaps and runs through the emergency landing procedure. Within 1000 feet now, the Pilot screams "100% flaps! It is the shortest runway I have ever seen!" The Co-Pilot hits the flaps just as the plane hits the tarmac. It bounces hard and rolls, brakes smoking, engines screaming, the fuselage shuddering madly, the passengers shrieking in dread and fear. But it finally stops, the nose wheel just off the runway. Everyone sits in stunned silence. 
      Later, the Pilot and Co-Pilot are talking. "That was the shortest runway I have ever seen! I couldn't believe it," says the Pilot. The Co-Pilot replies: "Yes, but, wow, it sure was wide!"  
     The Pilot's lovely wife, tears in her eyes, runs up to meet her husband, weaving her way through the throng of news reporters. She says: "Your stupidity has shamed our entire culture."

Angst-Jökens for Realistic Children:
     
How many cookies can Cookie Monster eat?  He has eaten all of them. You will never have any again.

What do you get when you cross an ape and a computer? A computer with a sophisticated quasi-neural artificial intelligence system that will replace your parents' jobs. 

What did the King say to the skeleton? "Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft."

What do you call a bunch of vegetables? Hope. 


The Ordinary Joke .  A crazed religious guy crosses into North Korea by swimming across a chilly lake with a vain hope of talking to the North Korean dictator and convincing him to spread international peace. Naturally, he is arrested at once, beaten severely, and sentenced in a kangaroo court so that he may be used by the North Korean government for a diplomatic chip. A difficult prisoner,  he talks about himself and his mission constantly, so he is beaten again. But he will not stop talking. So he is beaten daily. Still, the abuse fails to quiet him.
         Eventually, Former President Clinton arrives to negotiate his release. Kim Jong Il, in order to rattle Bill Clinton, fills the negotiating room with some of the most beautiful women in the country.
        One of the women,a tall and athletic Army officer in a tightly fitting uniform, is leading the negotiations. "It is our position, Mr. President, that this obnoxious, delusional little man of yours is a spy, has been lawfully convicted of entering our border illegally, and will do ten years of hard labor for his crimes."
        "And our position, Honey, " says Bill Clinton, "is that Tom Cruise hasn't made a good movie in ten years."

       This fails as an angst-jöken. It is merely a joke. - Ed.

Psychological Evaluation. A giraffe is looking to cross a deep, swift river full of gigantic crocodiles. He approaches one of the largest, most ferocious crocodiles, a beast among beasts 20 feet long with rows of spike-like, uneven teeth and the coldest of expressions. The giraffe goes up to him and says "Listen, jerk, I don't like you and you don't like me, but I need to cross this river. Can I ride on your back?"
    "Why shouldn't I just kill you and eat you now?" growls the crocodile.
    "Because I'm big enough to run away if you try. But, tell you what, on the other bank I'll take you to where there are a bunch of baby giraffes - six or seven. They're easy pickings. You can kill them easily. You'll eat your fill."
     The crocodile considers this strange offer, but hungry and lazy, he agrees. The giraffe climbs awkwardly on his back and they start crossing the river to the amazement of the other crocodiles. Some of them even laugh.
     Suddenly, about halfway across, the giraffe stomps the crocodile in the liver with his powerful leg, and tears the crocodile;s throat with his huge, acacia-crushing teeth. Bleeding to death, the crocodile looks in surprise and horror at the giraffe and gurgles with his last breath:
      "What have you done? Now we'll both be drown, be dismembered and eaten!"
       The giraffe goes: "It is in my nature: I am a sociopath giraffe. How could you not realize this?"

A Top Performance Model. Jesus walks into a car dealership, looking at to buy a new hybrid car. The car salesman, one of the very best in town but not realizing who it really is, steers him toward a high-performance luxury model, and by suggestion and skillful salesmanship manages to close the deal. It makes him a much, much higher profit. He gazes oddly as Jesus drives off grinning in a 12 cylinder Mercedes which can do 210 mph, feeling that he has gained something as useful as money, but that he may have just done something of uncertain but profound horror and gravity.