January 21, 2012

25 Newt Gingrich Jokes

Newt can make America what it once was: lorded over by carnivorous lizards.

Newt Gingrich's body also once crashed into an Italian reef, rolled over and sank, killing 25 passengers.

Newt's head was once shot down by a Russian anti-satellite missile.  To be fair they were just defending Vladivostok.

Doesn't Newt Gingrich make you feel like he's always blocking America's sun? 

Newt Gingrich recently became a Catholic, which is why he thinks nuns should put out. 

Newt Gingrich has done more to advance the cause of peace than the Luftwaffe. 

Newt has a new ice tea out.  It's called "Fuck U Tea."

Newt's like the kid who pushes girls into puddles when no one is looking.

Newt's like the high school bully who the other bullies push around.

Newt's like the mechanic who calls you an idiot for not replacing your transmission every six months.

Newt knows Jesus was a pussy, he's just too brilliant to say it right now.

Nothing cheers up Newt Gingrich like a sunny day with more starvation in Africa.

Newt Gingrich said that he cheated on his wife because he was working too hard with patriotic zeal for America. Oh, wait, that's real?

When they're playing good cop/bad cop, Newt's is the guy who barges in the room and takes everyone's donuts and yells at them for eating donuts.

You might think that he's just a money-grubbing tool, but Newt volunteers a lot at the hospital, calling people up and telling them they have bladder cancer.  Especially when they don't.

Newt Gingrich loves America. Except for the idiots who live there.

Of course Newt opposes slavery.  It's uncompensated mandatory human labor he thinks it's stupid to oppose.

Newt can always quit politics and play the sexually harassing boss in employee training videos.

Newt never met a man he liked. Or a woman. But he never met a bulging envelope he could say no to.

On his days off, Newt Gingrich likes to drive around New York, shooting homeless people with a bb gun.

Newt's anti-vice campaign consists of large posters of his own head with the word "Sex" written in letters underneath.

Newt is a faithful Christian, except for those ethical principles they keep going on and on and on about. Am I right, people?

Newt Gingrich is like the world's most evil Cheesecake Factory manager. 

Do you get the feeling that the next revelation is that Newt Gingrich owns a mercury mine in Paraguay worked by orphans between 6 and 13, who are all behind on their cot rent?

Newt Gingrich likes poor people. He thinks they are fucking hilarious, all broke and crying and shit.