30 Mitt Romney Jokes

Mitt Romney knows the real worth of hard work and sacrifice.  It bumps shareholder value after  you're fired.

Mitt Romney is very concerned with women's issues: those excessive laws and regulations allowing them to do things.  

Mitt Romney believes in democracy, if by democracy, you mean, Mittmocracy.  In a Mittmocracy, your opinion counts, at least when he gets around to having it.

Q. Is Mitt Romney a Control Freak?


     a.  This way, everyone gets plenty of toothpaste.

     b.  Certainly not.  His sons were off-leash by 16.

     c.  He numbers each Cherrio.

     d.  I can't say- permission to speak freely denied.
     e.  His nostril hairs have performance reviews. 

    f.  No- he once let a gardener use the kitchen. But never again.
     g. There's a perfectly easy-to-use spreadsheet in each restroom. Is that so much to ask?


People say Mitt Romney can't begin to understand the challenges of being poor or even middle class, or an ethnic or sexual minority, or sacrificing everything for your country instead of personal profit, or working all the time for your kids but falling farther behind, and despairing of life ever being better for them.  But that's only because he's an asshole.

They say Mitt Romney is out of touch.  I say, he touches himself, and that should be enough for anyone.

Mitt Romney loves God, because he loves himself.

Mitt Romney can make America great again.  If we can't rule the world, we can mess it up so badly no one else wants it.

Do you ever get the feeling that Mitt Romney's sexual fantasies mostly involve his own hair?

Romney loves orphans. He never met a position he didn't adopt.

Mitt Romney's religion is a problem.  People might vote for a real Christian candidate, like Barack Obama. 

Mitt Romney, a very religious man, offers a deep, selfless love to those everyone else despises. Especially banks. 

The Romney campaign denies rumors that Mitt lives on pure diet of green algae and polyethylene glycol smoothies.

Mitt Romney has done more for the advancement of the American Robotics industry than people will ever know.

People are obsessed by the weird underwear that Romney wears, but that Batman outfit has a really nice thread count.

You've always got a friend when Romney's in town.  Not Mitt- I meant that guy who'll let you stay on his couch after you get fired.

It's not fair to say Romney's an amazing waffler.  He holds heart-felt, core beliefs, like when he threatened, in person, to excommunicate a young woman who needed an abortion to save her life.  That means he believes deeply in being a truly spectacular dick.

 "Mitt Romney is more of a job cremator." - Debbie Wasserman-Shultz.

Q: Is Mitt Romney white?

     a. Mitt Romney makes Frosty the Snowman look like Flava Flav.
     b. Mitt Romney makes Kim-Jong Un look like Lil' Kim.
     c.  Mitt Romney makes John McCain look like Malcom X.
     d. Mitt Romney last had a good bowel movement during the Nixon Administration. With Nixon.