May 30, 2012

Romney Jokes- Mitt Will Do For America What Utah Did For Jazz

  1. Mitt Romney sees through rose-colored monocles. 
  2. When he was young, Mitt Romney once had to borrow 5000 dollars -because he was out of laundry money.
  3. Things Mitt Romney says in private: "That godless harlot looks hot."
  4. Romney brilliantly sowed up the nomination by carefully contriving to make Rick Santorum, Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich look like extremist nutcases.
  5. Is Mitt Romney stiff?  He did dance once at his high school prom. 3 killed; 17 hospitalized. 
  6. Mitt Romney needs you to know that there is nothing you shouldn't do for him. 
  7. Mitt Romney: "The trees are the right height here, just like on the 4th moon of Altair 7."
  8. Romney's the kind of guy who believes homosexuality can be cured by atomic wedgies. 
  9. When Mitt Romney wants to relax, he settles down in his favorite chair, plugs in, and watches his old oscilloscope. 
  10. I demand proof that Mitt Romney was born or assembled on Earth. 
  11. Mitt Romney's real father was Aluminum.
  12. Romney: "I hear the middle class.  I want you to know that I realize you have every right to want to be just like me. "
  13. Mitt Romney is so wooden, he once had a bit part on Grizzly Adams, as the Cabin.
  14. America is like a Banana Split, and Mitt Romney is the Nutra-Sweet Whipped Cream Substitute on top.
  15. You've got a friend when Romney's in town- one you should go see for a hug and a good cry, after being creeped-out by meeting Mitt Romney. 
  16. Mitt Romney is the Kim Kardashian of Integrity. 
  17. Knock Knock.
    Who's There?
    Do you like me?
    Please leave now, Mitt.
  18. Mitt Romney: "I believe strongly in things. Lots of very, very meaningful things that mean a lot to me personally in the heart and the soul,  and with conviction and integrity and courage and strength and leadership, and I will fight to ensure these things." 
    Preacher: "And do YOU Ann take Mitt to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
    Ann Romney: "I do."
  19. Things Mitt Romney says in Private: "What exactly am supposed to do with this 'Little Debbie' snack cake?"
  20. Mitt Romney Status Update #1: "Ann convinced me: now I LOVE poor people!"
  21. Mitt Romney Status Update #2: "Wake up and smell the Sanka!"
  22. Mitt Romney Status Update #3: "Met Mick Jagger! Will youth never die?"
  23. Mitt Romney Status Update #4:  "Just great to see the old mansion just way I left it: as a very profitable sweater factory, filled with adorable orphans working away!"
  24. Mitt Romney Status Update #5: "It seems such a shame to have the last of the Hapsburgs forced to water our azaleas."
  25. Mitt Romney Status Update #6: "I'm so proud of my children- that genetic engineering really paid off."
  26. Mitt Romney Status Update #7: "Barack Obama just doesn't get it. His pitiful human weapons cannot defeat us!"
  27. Mitt Romney Status Update #8 "As I travel the country, I see signs everywhere that say 'Dairy Queen.' I hope you will all join me in welcoming her to America!"
  28. Mitt Romney Status Update #9:  "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses. This polo match just got a little TOO exciting!"
  29. Mitt Romney Status Update #10. "There's nothing wrong with the Rich that capitalism can't fix."
  30. Has anyone ever seen Mitt Romney eat?
  31. Romney loves orphans. He never met a position he didn't adopt.
  32. Mitt Romney is like a lukewarm bowl of nonfat milk.
  33. Mitt Romney is the kind of guy who spreadsheets bathroom visits.
  34. Mitt is the kind of guy who would give you the shirt off your back.
  35. Mitt Romney is so white, he can stop global warming by sunbathing in Greenland.
  36. Mitt Romney walks into a bar. He loans the bar owner $500,000. The bar can't make the payments with Romney hanging around, so it goes bankrupt.  Then he buys the bar at half price, fires the bartender, staff and the waitresses, and berates everyone for selling booze. Then he rehires the bartender and the chef at half the wages. Then he makes it a strip club.  Destitute, the waitresses are forced to apply for work as strippers, but Mitt realizes he can get cheaper strippers from Alabama. Then he sells the whole kit and kaboodle to an international strip club corporation at a handsome profit.  There's no joke here, I'm describing his business model.
  37. Mitt Romney believes in Mittmocracy.  In a Mittmocracy, your opinion counts, at least when he gets around to having it.
  38. People say Mitt Romney can't begin to understand the challenges of being poor or even middle class, or an ethnic or sexual minority, or sacrificing everything for your country instead of personal profit, or working all the time for your kids but falling farther behind, and despairing of life ever being better for them.  But that's only because he's kind of a dick.
  39. Mitt Romney hopes for the religious vote, but what if people vote for a Christian, like Barack Obama?
  40. Mitt Romney has done more for the advancement of the American Robotics industry than people will ever know.
  41. Things Mitt Romney says in private: "I don't remember agreeing to allow you to brush your teeth that way."
  42. Mitt Romney sings like an electric screwdriver wearing out its battery. 
  43. When ET phoned home, Mitt Romney answered.
  44. Mitt Romney: Will Mexico please take him back? 
  45. Of course he believes in family values- he had 8 or 9 grandmothers. 
  46. I once saw Mitt Romney give a hungry child a one hundred dollar bill, and he was generous enough to give him 6 months to pay it at 27% interest. 
  47. Mitt Romney will do for America what Utah did for jazz. 


Blogger Laird of Madrona said...

Great list. I vote for #13 and #36.

May 30, 2012 at 4:23 PM  

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