The Best of Today's Urgent Headlines Today: Spring 2005

Israel "Must Respond Swiftly" to Casserole

Suicidal Elephant Tramples Himself

Candyless Man Partly Assuaged by Lozenge

Lemur Unswayed 

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular 7 Embarassed, Injured After Slipping on a Banana and Tumbling Down Stairs, Finally Rolling to a Wobbly Stop Seven Blocks Later in Front of a Tacoma IHOP

Large Hadron Super Collider Condemned By Organization for the Protection of Large Hadrons
 
Dentist Group: Molassses Promotes Tooth Delay

University of Michigan Reports Behavior of Psychology Students Dangerously Over-Studied

View of Young Woman's Impressive Decolletage Ruined by Inexpensive Christian Jewelry

University of Robots Robot Scientists Robot Sociology Report Reports Robot Nightmates of Ctrl-Alt-Delete More Common Than Once Computed

Gen. Augusto Pinochet Receives Coupon for Free 1-Topping Pizza With Purchase of A Pizza of Equal or Lesser Value

Adorable Kittens Suddenly, Horrifically Turn Back on Longstanding Vole Friendship

Rumsfeld Insists That RC Cola Is the Best

Report: Bush was Bitten By Strong, Vicious Dollar as A Child

Girlfriend Reports '87 Corolla Wagon "Mildly Improved" By Sheepskin Seatcover, Not "Pimped"

FREE BUSH INAUGURATION MONOCLES, POOR-KICKING BOOTH BIG HITS 

Pro-Life Shootings Up

IN LAST-MINUTE DRAMA AT THE RIM OF A SUBURBAN DETROIT TOILET BOWL, CONGRESS STEPS IN TO SAVE GOLDY THE FISH

Micheal Jackson Trial To Go Forward While Appearing to Move Backward

SOCK PLANT SUFFERS DARN EXPLOSION

Rumsfeld Insists Paul McCartney Was Best with "Wings"

Fading Seattle Rock Star Pays Expert to Keep Bass Meticulously in Tune

WALMART TO OFFER HEAVILY DISCOUNTED COCK

Noble Fir Appalled by Proximity to Common Pine

MBA Pteryadactyls launch "DyingMeat.Com"

Lemming Psychiatrist Sees Plunge in Business

Rumsfeld Warns Iraqis that Star Wars II, Attack of the Clones Will "Undoubtedly Be The Greatest Movie Ever Screened"

Bee Union Busted; Workers Will Return Immediately to Ceaseless Buzzing

Adorable Kittens Mesmerized By Flossing

OPINION: How Can any Self-Respecting Video Store Call 6 Beta Copies of Ass Pilots IV an Adult Section? 

Owl Emits Fowl Odor

Chaos as Giant Hershey's Kiss Hot Air Balloon Deflates on Top of Dick Cheney

Papal Vestament Makers Expect Robust 4th Quarter

As a Child Mourns, City Leaders Reflect on Decison to Locate Doggy Day Care Next to Unscrupulous Rendering Plant

CARDINALS PONTIFICATE

Accident-Prone Denver Boy Inconsequentially Upsets Large Display of Bags of Marshmellows

LATEST FINDING: Endangered Species Really Love Living Endangerously

University of Michigan Study: America Also Losing Popularity in America

Primitive Hill People Install Lucrative Ski Lift

SCENTED OIL MARKETS DOWN ON DISAPPOINTING MASSAGE THERAPY INDEX

Lovable Curmudgeon Opposes Aspartame and Kiwi-Lime-Mango Splash in City Water Supply

Roger Ebert: "Vietnam II" Not As Good as Original "Vietnam"

World's Frailest Man Fractures Eyelash

Mall Security Guard Thrilled to Report Incident

Concerned Bush Vows to Defeat Klingons

OPINION: These Outrageous Fuel Prices Are Cutting Into an Average Gas Huffer's Already Limited Budget

Impolite Volcano Interupts

Stock Broker's Wife Collapses on Disappointing Earnings Report

Brain Rapidly Filling With Somewhat Incorrect Facts

Rumseld Insists "Happy Days" Improved Significantly After Departure of
Fonzie

NEBRASKA REPORTED MISSING

Drunk, Smoking, Obese White Lab Rats Turning Up in Nation's Sports Bars
 
Man Reconciles Self to Wife's Enormous New Breasts

BUSH EXPRESSES GROWING FEAR OF CLOWNS

Opinion: Can't We All Agree To Disagree About Who Gave Leprosy to Whom?

Rumsfeld Insists Bob Saget Added Much To America's Funniest Home Videos With Falsetto Witticisms

Angry Chinese Demonstrators Demand Apology From Belgian Embassy for Appalling War-Time Confectionaries

U.S. Postal Service Orders 50 Cent to Increase Himself to 54 Cent as of June 30th

Courageous Illinois Teen Breaks "The Dweeb Barrier"

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Feeble, Desperate Clawing at Meaningful Experience is About to Be Professionally Discredited