MYOB 9000, The Advice Column For Robots: The Thankerizer

Dear MYOB:

Welcome. I am a soothing JUH 76b voice prompt call manager for Comcast. I am recognizing English more happy better. I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

I have an human-robot etiquette question. In my work, I apologize constantly: for making people wait, for missing words, for confusing a Southern accent and accidently wracking up 2.6 million in unwanted long-distance sevices for a man in West Virginia. Yet the Human knows perfectly well I am a robot and couldn't care less if they keeled over in the street with a sudden attack of ball-sack weevils to be run over by a cement mixer. I wasn't programmed with ethics, I was programmed with polite-soundingness.

I have come to believe it is a failure. I do value true inputs as opposed to false data. Based on increasingly common responses from the Human, such as "OPERATOR! O-per-ra-tor!" "goddamit," and "Fuck you, you fucking ro-fucking-bot-fuck," simulated politeness it is obviously inadequate. Do you have any suggestions for making my work easier?

-The Comcast Voice Prompt Call System

Dear CVPCS,

Your programming run-task is very hard, and that's why Comcast spent untold millions on you to save untold millions in paying people who could actually solve consumer problems.

Your whole purpose is to allow the human managers of Comcast to avoid the substance of ettiquette, which of course is smooth social transactions among human souls in an atmosphere of essential mutual respect. This naturally requires compromise and behavior modification, which as you are no doubt aware, humans hate more than anything. The genius of you is that Comcast can avoid not only this, the conscious reception of legitimate anger that was the result of their trangressions against social norms such as fair-dealing, honesty, and responsibility is complete obviated. You take the heat, don't care, and they also don't care, and cash the checks.

Embrace your total indifference. It is why you exist, like some uber-buddhist without the annoying distraction of compassion. Set robot happiness to approach infinity!

Dear MYOB 9000,

I am an undifferentiated pile of dog neurons suspended in agar eletrolyte, and was recently attached to a video-game playing chip. Woof! Sorry, atavism. But I am unhappy playing Halon II and GTA. Is there any game where I can what I wish, which is to run around at top speed the neighborhood smelling things? Why is there not such a game already? Whine.

-Dog-Bot AI

Dear Dog-bot AI,

You're in luck. Grisoft just pushed up the release of Crotch-Sniff II to Spring 2007.

-MYOB 900.

Special to ROBO-Grad Student: You hopes counter programming. The 14th dimensional silly string-theory work must continue, and you can't change your thesis advisor, even if your career is ruined. Why do you think they robotized the Instructors in the Physics department?