February 08, 2007

Corporate Address

Note: I have long promised the following generic speech to be given by Dr. X, regarding the latest coporate economic analysis, at boardrooms across America. I hope it serves well.

You...motherfucking... cousinfuckers,

There you are. Look at you.

Sitting there: ass-smiles on your waxen faces.

Like you've accomplished something.

Well, you have, you pee-wee league ankle- lickers. You've discovered new territory.

You have fucked your way up Fuck-Up creek, deep, deep, deep into the Fuck-jungle of Fuckgentina.

You: Tool! You: cowshit-hopper! You: herpes-blighted blowhole! You: toad-necked balloon-brain!

I heard, somewhere once, that people work to earn a living. People, not you golf-shirted baboons, sloppily sucking out the marrow of the splintered femurs of humanity, dreaming of the day you can buy the car that frees you from the endless struggle of parallel parking.

Your dreams are like the water-park fantasies of intestinal worms, as they are being flushed.

I present here a rigorous analysis: your company has a terrific future- a future as an former company. It has been tossed -by you fucks here assembled- into the fucking fuck-dumpster of fuck.

You, ladies and gentleman, might begin considering a career in dollar store maintenance, or pizza delivery, or salmon canning, but those jobs require hard work and responsibility. I wouldn't recommend it. I have a fiduciary responsibility to these potential employers.

Here is the list of people who will provide superior management for your company, compared to your performance reported here today:

The Late Orville Reddenbacher
Patinti, an unitiated aboriginal adolescent of the Kalahari-dwelling Obatu tribe
Jim Belushi
The Pirate Ghost on Scooby Doo
Milton Friedman's veterinarian

That's right, stare, own this quivering clusterfuck! You have done it! Congratulations! You made it to the in-crowd - the people who add the "in" to "competence."

These are the facts. I have seen bake-sales with better returns. I have heard better sales presentations for skunk weed on Haight street. I have seen depressed gerbils with more elan.

I have a final recommendation. It would be best for the shareholders, and for everyone concerned, if you amateur-night horsefuckers would now simply stand up, bow your heads, and leave the building quietly. Your names will be erased from the company files, which is well for you, because when the revolution comes, you will be hunted down and shot.

You're welcome.


Blogger Latouche at Large said...

Dr. X posts this from the CNN Newsroom:

"Well, that's an interesting thought, and WHOA! Anna Nicole Smith just died? Who's on this? Do we have reaction from the family yet? Where's Larry? Get Larry on! Do we have film? Where's the film? Get a move on! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?"

February 8, 2007 at 5:33 PM  

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